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Riddick 3: You Are Not Manly Enough To Read This Review Of This Very Manly Movie

Statement of bias: I freaking love Riddick.

Seriously, I have watched Chronicles of Riddick more times than I can count, made Kevin also watch it, and the phrase “You shoulda taken the money, Toombs,” is permanently embedded in our relationship’s vocabulary. I was very sad they didn’t make the whole trilogy, and excited for Riddick 3.

It was a very manly movie.

Vin Diesel was manly. Also briefly naked. Manly naked. In silhouette.

Manly silhouette.

For approximately eighty percent of you, there is no further need to read more.

For the rest of you who have not clicked away to buy tickets RIGHT NOW….

Well, it’s not Chronicles. It’s somewhat more erratic. At times you are conscious of watching a bad movie (a very manly bad movie) but there are a few parts that are downright brilliant (the scene with the storage locker is hysterically well done) and also it’s a Riddick movie and thus a lot of badass fun with quite good CGI aliens ala Pitch Black and also if you are me and/or Otter, there are parts of this movie more or less designed to pander specifically to you. Had they harvested all my information off the internet and dedicate about twenty minutes of screen time to exactly what Ursula Adriane Vernon of North Carolina, Mac user, 36 and self-employed, wants out of a Riddick movie, they could not have hit it more precisely.

It is rather gory, in the nasty visceral I-can-feel-that way, not just in the buckets-of-blood-squirty way. Also, alien dog-analogs die. If these are a dealbreaker, stay home. You will be sad. Wait until the clip of Manly Naked Riddick hits YouTube and make some hot chocolate. Then watch it while drinking hot chocolate. You could probably follow with the “It’s Raining Men” clip cut to 300. That would be excellent.

It is also manly.

Very manly.

Manliness occurs.

Riddick does manly things while climbing very manly rocks on a manly planet. Merely watching the screen caused Kevin to grow extra chest hair. (I mean, he already has plenty, so you couldn’t tell, but I could hear it growing.) I believe I ovulated twice, although I was also becoming more manly, so it got complicated and there is a slim chance I have accidentally impregnated myself. But believe me, everyone is very manly. The female lead is also manly, although this is no reflection on her or the movie. I believe it was caused by the planet.

The very manly planet.

There is at least one scene where they went “Those speeders in Return of the Jedi? Not metal enough.”

How manly was it?

You remember those 1950′s pulp magazines called, like, “MAN’S DIGEST” which had a cover of some shirtless guy punching a jaguar in the face with a snake? Manly like that. Replace “shirtless guy” with “shirtless Vin Diesel” and “jaguar” with “alien scorpion snapping turtle” and you’ve about got it.

Also for some reason one of the mercenaries is a dead ringer for J. Grant of Two Lumps, only about a foot bigger in every direction. This caused some mental consternation. Not that I couldn’t see J. as a space mercenary, I just didn’t expect him to be so tall.

The only thing I didn’t enjoy thoroughly (other than the alien dog analog thing) was that as usual, every female character in the series would like to have sex with Riddick. This is not really unrealistic, I grant you, but Riddick teeters on the squishy edge of Mary Sue anyway, and I do roll my eyes a bit. (ETA: It's more annoying than usual in this one for Reasons, although they DO do a couple things really right with the character, so mixed bag of Great/Awful.) (The only one of these flirtations I found hot was in Pitch Black. It’s not the manliness, actually. It’s the scene at the end where he’s all “Come on. It’s okay, you did your best, let’s go…” I kinda needed to sit down and fan myself for a bit after that one. Shame she’s eaten by aliens five minutes later.)

(No, I don’t know why, out of movie after movie with Vin Diesel’s torso, that’s the one that killed me. Eh, go figure. She was also the only female character I really empathized with in the whole lot.)

(Empathized in a manly way, obviously.)

(A very manly way.)

(Super manly empathy.)

(I have the sudden urge to hug someone from the side so that our genitals stay a respectable distance apart, and then perhaps discuss the Infield Fly Rule with someone. In a manly fashion.)



MANLY.


Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.




"Kent Mansley. I work for the government."



Have to say, the speeders were NOT manly. The speeders had standard english jumping saddles as seats (I see what you did there, props guy and it was both amusing and full of WTF?!?!). English saddles are not manly. Manly saddles are western ... australian if you're feeling exotic. All the metal & poky bits in the world will not make up for the negative manliness of those saddle seats.

So it's actually a chick flick - A manly chick flick!!!! The real reason girls want to watch movies not all the lovey gentle rom-com crap.

This is exactly the opposite of how I feel when I watch My Little Pony.

WANT RIDDICK PONY MOD NOW

:eyes pony blank: :eyes acrylic paint: :shakes head to try to get idea back OUT:

Best Movie Review Ever! Thanks!

(I am a little worried about the dogs but thanks for the warning - it helps that they were not real dogs.)

(I seem to suffer from a lack of Riddick icons, so have Whiplash instead.)

This? This totally sold me on the movie. I was pretty wary, since Chronicles didn't do much for me besides give me Karl Urban in a trilobite helm, but I intensely love Pitch Black. If this is more Pitch Black-esque than Chronicles-esque, FUCK YEAH!

Now if only Carolyn Fry had survived the first movie. "I said I'd die for them, not for you!" gets me every damn time.

Just to show you how very manly Riddick is, on the drive home form the movie, my husband and I discovered that neither of our iPhone browsers will allow us to search for "riddick rpg" without spontaneously crashing. We can search for ANYTHING ELSE, but "riddick rpg" causes the browser to crumple up into a little ball of code and sob. RIDDICK IS TOO MANLY FOR THE IPHONE.

Um. It kills Safari on my iPad too.

That's kinda messed up.

It also crashes Chrome. Now I'm just thoroughly weirded out.

Literally just got home from seeing Riddick to read this. Too perfect! Nearly died giggling. Think my newly established manly card got pulled. lol

"Also, alien dog-analogs die."

I've occasionally found myself wishing there were a website named "doesthedogdie.com" where I could type in the name of a movie I'm considering watching and find out if I'll be sad. And apparently, wishing makes it so! My favorite entry: "A pet rat named Beany is exposed to some peril (submerged in a breathable goo, put into an inflated ziploc bag to prevent drowning) and at times it seems like he's gone and has died, but he survives and is not injured."

The infield fly rule is awesome and makes a lot of sense, though. It keeps a really good situation for the offense from converting into the end of the inning regardless of previous outs off of just one hit.

Just reading this review caused me to grow two more chest hairs -- now I'm up to 14!


I believe I ovulated twice, although I was also becoming more manly, so it got complicated and there is a slim chance I have accidentally impregnated myself.

I was reading your review to my monster, and got to this line, and we both nearly had a fit. A MANLY fit.

Must see this movie. In a big enough theater so that there is room for the MANLINESS, of course.

Saw it. Almost too manly for us.

Agree that Dahl was yanking his chain...

Wow. This is an enormously helpful review!

TMI: I am bisexual and would be happy to discuss the Infield Fly Rule. But this much manliness in a movie makes me turn completely, utterly lesbian.

(Me, protesting: I'm bi! Really! I thought David Bowie in Labyrinth was totally sexy!
Friends, hooting with laughter: THAT DOESN'T COUNT!
Years later: Um...Orlando Bloom isn't half bad with elf ears--
All: THAT CERTAINLY DOES NOT COUNT.)

Ahem. So everyone, go enjoy Riddick being naked and manly. I'll... Just be over here watching Keira Knightley crossdressing...

*slinks off*

Edited at 2013-09-09 05:28 am (UTC)

> Also, alien dog-analogs die.
Nuuu. :(
Sad face, I loved the Hell Hound in Chronicles (and was all squee when he befreinded it) and was looking forward to more made-up-alien-monster fun. Ah well, still want to see the movie because Riddick.

My boyfriend went in cleanshaven. When the movie was over he was....definitely not cleanshaven. And I'm not just talking three-o'clock-shadow.

Also, when we left the theatre, I demanded to know why he got two full frontal scenes (one with multiple women, come on) and all I got was presumably-naked-Riddick-in-shadows-at-a-distance and Riddick chest. That is just not fair.

Riddick also carried around an adorable dingo dog thing puppy and still managed to make it look manly and not at all cute and adorable. How does that work?

Edited at 2013-09-09 07:11 pm (UTC)

I agree with the commenter who said that bad-ass puppy carrying is absolute proof this movie was for women.

May I say that I love this review. In a very Manly Fashion. Side Hug optional.

Such a fantastic film, I love how they were referencing back to the first film there Riddick is taking out mercenaries left right and center and then the alien attack at the end that bands them together to try and survive! Awesome movie!

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