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Riddick 3: You Are Not Manly Enough To Read This Review Of This Very Manly Movie

Statement of bias: I freaking love Riddick.

Seriously, I have watched Chronicles of Riddick more times than I can count, made Kevin also watch it, and the phrase “You shoulda taken the money, Toombs,” is permanently embedded in our relationship’s vocabulary. I was very sad they didn’t make the whole trilogy, and excited for Riddick 3.

It was a very manly movie.

Vin Diesel was manly. Also briefly naked. Manly naked. In silhouette.

Manly silhouette.

For approximately eighty percent of you, there is no further need to read more.

For the rest of you who have not clicked away to buy tickets RIGHT NOW….

Well, it’s not Chronicles. It’s somewhat more erratic. At times you are conscious of watching a bad movie (a very manly bad movie) but there are a few parts that are downright brilliant (the scene with the storage locker is hysterically well done) and also it’s a Riddick movie and thus a lot of badass fun with quite good CGI aliens ala Pitch Black and also if you are me and/or Otter, there are parts of this movie more or less designed to pander specifically to you. Had they harvested all my information off the internet and dedicate about twenty minutes of screen time to exactly what Ursula Adriane Vernon of North Carolina, Mac user, 36 and self-employed, wants out of a Riddick movie, they could not have hit it more precisely.

It is rather gory, in the nasty visceral I-can-feel-that way, not just in the buckets-of-blood-squirty way. Also, alien dog-analogs die. If these are a dealbreaker, stay home. You will be sad. Wait until the clip of Manly Naked Riddick hits YouTube and make some hot chocolate. Then watch it while drinking hot chocolate. You could probably follow with the “It’s Raining Men” clip cut to 300. That would be excellent.

It is also manly.

Very manly.

Manliness occurs.

Riddick does manly things while climbing very manly rocks on a manly planet. Merely watching the screen caused Kevin to grow extra chest hair. (I mean, he already has plenty, so you couldn’t tell, but I could hear it growing.) I believe I ovulated twice, although I was also becoming more manly, so it got complicated and there is a slim chance I have accidentally impregnated myself. But believe me, everyone is very manly. The female lead is also manly, although this is no reflection on her or the movie. I believe it was caused by the planet.

The very manly planet.

There is at least one scene where they went “Those speeders in Return of the Jedi? Not metal enough.”

How manly was it?

You remember those 1950′s pulp magazines called, like, “MAN’S DIGEST” which had a cover of some shirtless guy punching a jaguar in the face with a snake? Manly like that. Replace “shirtless guy” with “shirtless Vin Diesel” and “jaguar” with “alien scorpion snapping turtle” and you’ve about got it.

Also for some reason one of the mercenaries is a dead ringer for J. Grant of Two Lumps, only about a foot bigger in every direction. This caused some mental consternation. Not that I couldn’t see J. as a space mercenary, I just didn’t expect him to be so tall.

The only thing I didn’t enjoy thoroughly (other than the alien dog analog thing) was that as usual, every female character in the series would like to have sex with Riddick. This is not really unrealistic, I grant you, but Riddick teeters on the squishy edge of Mary Sue anyway, and I do roll my eyes a bit. (ETA: It's more annoying than usual in this one for Reasons, although they DO do a couple things really right with the character, so mixed bag of Great/Awful.) (The only one of these flirtations I found hot was in Pitch Black. It’s not the manliness, actually. It’s the scene at the end where he’s all “Come on. It’s okay, you did your best, let’s go…” I kinda needed to sit down and fan myself for a bit after that one. Shame she’s eaten by aliens five minutes later.)

(No, I don’t know why, out of movie after movie with Vin Diesel’s torso, that’s the one that killed me. Eh, go figure. She was also the only female character I really empathized with in the whole lot.)

(Empathized in a manly way, obviously.)

(A very manly way.)

(Super manly empathy.)

(I have the sudden urge to hug someone from the side so that our genitals stay a respectable distance apart, and then perhaps discuss the Infield Fly Rule with someone. In a manly fashion.)



MANLY.


Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.


I had no intention of seeing this one (no Dame Judi to make it better, right?) but now I am seriously tempted to go, just to see if I grow a beard while watching.

Apparently I am you and/or Otter, and it is now clear to me that there are a lot of us who need to get together for a total Riddick-based estrogenfest.

Thanks for the review! I knew I would be seeing it anyways, but I didn't know if it was "critics say it's bad" or what.

I don't always try to be manly, but when I do, it's while wearing a skirt.

As someone who has been accused (with manly levels of justification) of being manly (and who was also accused of cosplaying Riddick at DragonCon, which I wasn't), I can offer you an alternative to your hugging scenario:

The Viking (or Barbarian) Handshake: Instead of grasping the other party's hand, you rach past it and clasp their forearm, so that they may do the same to you. If you want to escalate, turn slightly and bump their sternum with you (manly) shoulder.

Warning: This may cause manly people cosplaying someone manly, like Bane, to spontaneously unload all of their character's lines before you can actually begin a conversation, in a manly info-dump, because you have inadvertently triggered their manliness switch, causing a testosteroverload.

Re: I don't always try to be manly, but when I do, it's while wearing a skirt.

Do I need to be wearing bracers for this manly handshake?

(Deleted comment)
Are you familiar with Manly Guys Doing Manly Things? It's a fun webcomic that both explores and celebrate all the manly tropes. The long-running joke with Leonidas & Kratos is worth keeping an eye out for.

Phew, you were right.
Too manly for me.

I was already going to see it as soon as humanly possible, but YOU HAVE PUT WINGS ON MY FEET!!!!

^___^

eta: MANLY WINGS, of course!

Edited at 2013-09-07 06:15 pm (UTC)

See, now I'm gonna have to NOT watch it in theaters because I won't be able to keep myself from yelling "MANLY" in the middle of the whole thing. Haha.



"Kent Mansley. I work for the government."



Have to say, the speeders were NOT manly. The speeders had standard english jumping saddles as seats (I see what you did there, props guy and it was both amusing and full of WTF?!?!). English saddles are not manly. Manly saddles are western ... australian if you're feeling exotic. All the metal & poky bits in the world will not make up for the negative manliness of those saddle seats.

So it's actually a chick flick - A manly chick flick!!!! The real reason girls want to watch movies not all the lovey gentle rom-com crap.

This is exactly the opposite of how I feel when I watch My Little Pony.

WANT RIDDICK PONY MOD NOW

Best Movie Review Ever! Thanks!

(I am a little worried about the dogs but thanks for the warning - it helps that they were not real dogs.)

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