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And as a follow-up to Manlyfest 2013…

I started thinking about it, and now must offer the following:

How To Survive A Riddick Movie If You Are Not Actually Riddick

1. Be young.

2. Be intensely religious.

2a. But not a weird Goth religion.

3. Be Karl Urban.

4. Under no circumstances appear in the sequel.

4a. Unless you are still Karl Urban

5. If you are neither young, religious, nor Karl Urban, your best shot is to try for noble antagonist, which will give you at least a 60% shot, although one of those was Karl Urban, so it may be more like 30%.

5a. For a Riddick movie, 30% is still better odds than you’ll get anywhere else.

6. Sexy is a crap-shoot.* Best survival odds in this case are attained by being sexy somewhere in the vicinity of Karl Urban.

7. Do not be Furian.

7a. No, really. This is just a bad idea.

8. Do not taunt Happy Fun Riddick. If Happy Fun Riddick has explained he’s going to kill you, try turning your gun on yourself at once. Obviously you’ll still be dead, but the look on his face may be worth it.

9. If you wish to survive, have good teeth. Poor dental hygiene is a death warrant. Should you find yourself in the vicinity of Riddick, reach immediately for a toothbrush.

10. Under no circumstances should you allow Riddick to become in any way fond of you. This guarantees that you will sacrifice yourself nobly AND get a protracted bleeding-out scene.

10a. Fortunately, Riddick only becomes attached to other creatures off-camera. If you suspect that you are between movies or trapped in a lengthy time-passing montage, RUN.

11. Take the money.

12. If you are a mercenary, but not young, religious, or Karl Urban, you are almost certainly going to die. However, if you can start making wisecracks, you will live marginally longer, unless they are the sort of wisecracks that are a set-up for your hilarious death, in which case you just haven’t been paying attention at all. This will also work in any horror movies you happen to find yourself in. You will still die but you may have time to set your affairs in order first.

13. Space doesn’t kill people, alien planets kill people. (Also Necromongers, mercenaries, and Riddick. Also Karl Urban.) If you are in space, you are probably safe. Until you land on the planet.

14. Do not go to an uncivilized alien planet with Riddick. If you suspect Riddick is on the planet, find pressing business elsewhere before you land. If you find that, despite these precautions, Riddick is on the same planet you are, it’s already too late. The planet will try to kill you shortly.

14a. There are no herbivores in the Riddick-verse. Herbivores are not sufficiently manly. This works because apparently there are no plants in the Riddick-verse either. Plants are definitely not manly.

14b. It occurs to me, given that there are no plants, that everybody’s got to be seriously constipated, which explains a few things about the Necromongers.

15. If you are a Bad Person and shoot women, children, puppies, priests, captive populaces, etc, you are going to die. Always. Probably hilariously.

14a. Interestingly enough, though, you will not die until fairly late in the movie. This means that if the wisecracking mercenary slot is already filled, you may have a better survival chance by immediately gunning down all priests and/or puppies in the immediate vicinity, as you are guaranteed to survive until the last third or so of the movie. We leave what to do with this information to your own moral compass.

 

(Feel free to add your own in the comments.)

 

*Depending on what the director’s cut of Riddick 3 reveals, being either a lesbian or bisexual woman may up your survival odds considerably. We do not have enough data to speculate at this time.

Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.


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3. Be Karl Urban.
(and other K.U. Comments.)


*coke snort*
Clean screen.

Bwahahahahaha!!!!



16. If you cannot be Karl Urban, try very hard to be blonde. Riddick appears to have an affinity for blondes. Being blonde may up your survival potential to as high as 50%.

17. The only 100% certain way of surviving a Riddick movie is to be Dame Judi Dench.

Hilarious, and likely a very accurate assessment as well.... Hey, does anyone else remember enjoying Mr. Urban on Xena, Warrior Princess as both Cupid and Julius Caesar? SO PRETTY.

Also, you might consider checking out the trailer for his forthcoming TV show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwxg534yAw

Ha! I didn't know that was him. It's been a few years! Totally awesome!

And I would SO watch ALMOST HUMAN! Thanks for sharing!

Huh. Seems relevant to my interests. But... JJ Abrams. On Fox. Hmm.

Also, when people talk about the first "Red" movie, few mention that Mr. Urban is pretty damned awesome in it. Which he is.

I know. My fear is that Fox will completely Firefly the show.... (Abrams or not)

You are entirely correct - he is lovely in the first Red movie!

you know, I have replaced "that show jumped the shark" with "That show should have been Firefly'd in the XXX season". It's amusing how many people know exactly what I'm saying.

No doubt! And the irony, of course, is that Firefly itself should never have been Firefly'd!

You can be either young or intensely religious. The only person who is able to be both intensely religious and something else is Karl Urban.

I love you.

And now I want Vin Diesel to co-star with Mr. Urban in a Dredd sequel. The manliness would be epic.

Ooooh that sounds like a great idea.

Under no circumstances kill the scaly lizard dog, especially if it belongs to Riddick..

Just don't kill anything Riddick is attached to, really.

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Riddick movies are my guilty pleasure. Now that I've read this and your previous post, I'm looking forward to seeing it even more. With alcohol. And popcorn. But definitely alcohol. I may not even wait until Sweetie has time to accompany me to the multiplex (because we can't really call it theatre, now, can we?) :)

14b and Mizkit's 16 made me giggle out loud.

Seriously though, I LOVE the Riddick movies. I love me a half-naked man with a sexy growl.

Well, I was already going to go see this, but now I really really want to go see this. And maybe bring this list and check things off as I go. Although, If we're including Pitch Black as a data point, being a blond means you die badly after surviving most of the movie, see Johns and Fry.

And having just re-watched it, being young only gives you a 40% chance.

I think prepubescent and female actually gives you 100%. I think devoutly religious only gets you through one film. And I spent the whole film going "Puppy! Puppy! Puppy! Puppy? NO! Well, at least I knew it was coming, I hope he dies a lot." And now I'm at home cuddling a dog to get over that trauma. So thanks for the heads up. I would not have liked running into that without knowing about.

*salute* Was pretty sure it was coming, but thought I'd warn everybody else like me out there...

The hellhounds from Cremetoria lived, so there was a fifty fifty chance....

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