UrsulaV (ursulav) wrote,

Am I just wearing clothes wrong?

Seriously. I tried on two things today in very upscale boutique clothing stores, on a whim, and both had the same problem. They were both fairly long—one was a sweater-skirt thing and one just a fairly long shirt. Both of them were a relatively lightweight fabric. Both of them were cut very nicely…and then they hit my waist, and suddenly they looked like I was trying to smuggle horned toads in my pants.

My pants have lumps. And bumps. And things. The flap of cloth concealing the zipper is not exactly concave, and the belt loops make little ridges, and I keep my keys in my pocket. (Sure, I realize women’s pockets are not meant to actually hold STUFF, so I could take out my keys and my phone if I had to…but there are still bumps from the jeans themselves!)

Why do these lovely clothes look so terrible if you are wearing pants? What is going on with that? Sure, maybe the sweater-dress should be worn with leggings only, okay, I’ll accept that…but I’ve got a sizable ass, and they don’t make too many leggings that fit over it and leave absolutely no indentations that this fabric would cling to or bulge over. (It’s a perfectly good ass, it is one of my better physical features, I am quite happy with it—but there’s a reason Kevin uses “Baby Got Back” as my personalized ring-tone. The day I discovered the “urban” boot cut jeans was among the happiest of my life.)

So okay, maybe if I had decent leggings from, like, Lane Bryant or something, I could wear the sweater dress. Possibly. But the one shirt was a shirt and only a shirt, and either I was supposed to ruck it up into weird folds at the bottom (it had a slit side, so…unlikely?) or I was supposed to wear leggings and let my ass hang in the wind, which is not going to happen on my watch, or it was for skirts only, and only skirts with highly specific sorts of waistbands, which really kinda limits the utility of this article of clothing.

This happens all the time. I put on a very nice shirt, it fits elegantly, and then it goes bumptastic at the waist.  And many of these do fit very elegantly, which is wonderful, because so few things go over the boobs and do not turn into a tent or gee-when-is-the-due-date…except that they are too thin a fabric or somehow I am Doing This Wrong.

Am I supposed to have a zipper shaped groove along my pelvis that the zipper flap slots neatly into? Did I not get the memo? Are these items all meant to be worn with skirts only? What vital piece of information am I missing that makes this clothing WORK?

Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.

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