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Slice of Life: Mulch Rationalization Division

I plodded upstairs this morning to where Kevin was taking a shower and said gloomily “So it finally happened.”

KEVIN:  Oh dear…

URSULA: I need more mulch.

KEVIN: …how much are we getting delivered?

URSULA: No! Just five or six bags. Maybe eight. Not a delivery. No.

KEVIN: Uh-huh.

URSULA:  Really.

KEVIN: And how many cubic yards will you need delivered NEXT year?

URSULA:  Seven was plenty! I had stuff left over! Just…err…now I need eight. To cover the beds I had to make with the leftover mulch from the seven.

KEVIN:  AND the bed that didn’t need mulching this year?

URSULA: …nine. Not more than nine.

KEVIN: Uh-huh.

URSULA: And if you’re wondering why I didn’t use the mulch on the side of the house, I tried.

KEVIN:  Started to cook?

URSULA:  Errr…well, sort of, but no. I started to use it, and now there’s a very traumatized garter snake.

KEVIN: *leans against shower wall, laughing*

URSULA: I didn’t mean to scare him! He’s very pretty! He has gray racing stripes! Only he was in the mulch, and you know…

KEVIN: Did you fling him?



URSULA: …maybe a little. A small fling. Barely a flinglet, really…anyway he’s playing dead right now, and I felt terrible, and now we have to go get more mulch because I accidentally made a snake sad.

There is a highly specific silence that occurs as a man in the shower realizes that he is going to spend part of the day hauling bags of mulch because his girlfriend is insane. Part of the reason that I love Kevin is because he will accept this reason as completely valid. One cannot have sad snakes. No.

Originally published at Squash's Garden. You can comment here or there.

The skinks lay eggs in the piles of mulch up here in Virginia. That also makes me want to leave piles around for them.

It'd be funny to me

If I'd not heard variations of this conversation much of this year, ever since the house manny decided he had to have a garden in the back, and then one in the front, then on to the sides of the house...

I knew that we were in trouble when he went off and got a part time job at the nursery.

and now we have to go get more mulch because I accidentally made a snake sad.

Best closing line.

It's really that you like saying the word mulch, isn't it?

So, I read this out to my darling boyfriend, who, when I got to the end gave me the That Look and sighed. It was the look of combined realization and resignation of "Oh gods, I can see us having this conversation or something disturbingly similar *sigh*".

It was a beautiful thing...

I find the idea of a wee snake with grey go-faster stripes to be wonderfully adorable. The stripes add 5 horsepower, don'tcha know!

And five horsepower is roughly equivalent to (...you can't take three from two, two is less than three, so you look at the four in the tens place...) nine thousand, four hundred snakepower.

So, the stripes? Totally worth it for a snake. (But not badass, since snakes do not have an ass to be bad.)

Snakes should not be sad. I wish I had garter snakes in my yard, but I don't because it's too urban.

It's hard to decide who I love more, Kevin or Ursula.

I read the title, first, as "Much Rationalization Division."

This may not be an invalid interpretation of the text.

Ursula, you are totally mad. And completely adorable.

Kevin - he's completely squee-worthy.

One can never, EVER have Too Much Mulch. And snakes must be kept happy at all times, irrespective of means.

You and Kevin are the most wonderful couple I've ever encountered. Lang may yer lum reek!

This is a total non sequitur, but are there any circumstances under which you'd consider arranging special-order large prints of your work? I showed the Cattail Teacup to my boss and she really wants it for the lunchroom, but she doesn't want 13x19, she wants... like... minimum 30 inches across before mat and frame.

And now, back to the important part: Is the snake OK?!

Yeah. I'm thinking not so much.

Do snakes 'play dead'? I'm stuck on this visual. I've never seen this behavior.

Twelve bags of mulch was not enough mulch for us. :C