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The Case Of The Demonic...Assets

So there we were, in full nerd-core D&D mode, when the party burst into a room where a horrible dark ritual was being conducted, including the obligatory scantily clad maiden dangling over a pit of ice, about to be sacrificed in order to bring about hell on earth, general badness, screaming and flaming death, etc. 

MAIDEN: Save me!
PALADIN: We'll save you! 
DRUID: Uhm, Rooster, are we sure she's on the up and up?
GM: As far as you can tell, she's a normal damsel in distress.

After several moments of intense cogitation, Rooster the paladin dredged up memories of late-night studying sessions in little paladin's school, and came to a conclusion.

PALADIN: And I mean this in the most detached, scientific way possible, but are her nipples....err...it's cold...You know....?
GM: ...I...what....?
PALADIN:  'Cos if she's human and dangling over a pit of ice, they're gonna be all pointy, but demons don't have working nipples. They don't lactate! They're not really mammals! They lay eggs. Sorta like echidnas...well, I mean, the succubuseses do, but that's different. They use them for other stuff. Not like echidnas. Er. 
GNOME: What kind of school did you go to?!

Kevin (the GM) gazed out a dark window for a few minutes. He was already having a rough session, as we had refused to ring the obvious magic gong to open the door, opting instead to make an illusory gong sound (nobody makes us ring gongs against our will!) and there had been the lengthy discussion of whether Fizgig can break a magic circle by pooping on it during combat. 

GM: ...They're pointy. 
PALADIN: We'll save you!

A few minutes later, the ostensible maiden mind-controlled our gnome. Her familiar, Lawrence the toad, began immediately to panic.

GNOME: Or as we call it in our party, interpretive dance! 

While Lawrence danced frantically to express that Something Was Wrong, Rooster was forced to confront his own disillusion.

PALADIN: I can't believe the nipples lied.
RANGER (with surprising venom): THE NIPPLES ALWAYS LIE! 
PALADIN (meekly): Mine don't. I have Lawful Good nipples. 
DRUID'S PLAYER: Dear god, I cannot Tweet fast enough. 

PALADIN'S PLAYER: Can I roll a religions check to see why the nipple check failed?
GM: Do it.
GM: She's a succubus. They're the only species of demon that understand nipples.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: ...fair enough. 

So I am forced to give Kevin credit for actually thinking through the undeniable logic of demon-nipples. You learn to appreciate that in a GM. Really. 

...I still think Fizgig should be able to break a magic circle by pooping on it, though.

if I had a group such as yours, I'd have never stopped playing...

I remember being tricked into a dungeon by a comely maiden who turned out to be a evil goddess.

She wanted us to find her shit, without her help, and with some of her badness plaguing us.

Why does it always have to be nipples?

I agree about the idea about Fizgig. pooping is a very disruptive act.

tee hee

Actually Laughed OUt Loud, seriously I did, it scared the cat who was sleeping in her basket

Thank you for my first full on laugh in two days. Thank you for exploring the realms of demonic nipples. Brilliant, wonderful, wacky.

Really, would the ranger tell you to question motives? ;)

Was it you? I coulda sworn it was Inix...sorry.

I wouldnt want to play, I would be quite happy spectating at your games, totally :)

Things like this are why I'd much rather play tabletop than WoW.

And also why it's so tiring to be the GM . . .

I am joooooonsing for a tabletop game. A live one. Timing, group (none, really), and Messy House from the Nether Pits are conspiring against meeeeeeee. O:(

I would pay good money to sit in on one of your nerd-core D&D sessions.

Agreed, feces as a transitory entity should be allowed to break a magic circle.

Pour enough beer into a dwarf and you should be able to firehose the damned thing away.

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I'm pretty sure succubi understand bellybuttons too!

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That sounds like the most amazing game of D&D *ever*.

You know, from those snippets, one might wonder if your group is the one behind No Context Games in twitter.


I needed the laugh; your timing is excellent :D

Despite our love of biting pears and familiarity with nipple science, nope.

Though I am intrigued as to the name of the Ranger's twitter account.

My group once spent a half-hour debating whether to untie a woman from a pole after defeating the bandit gang that had captured her. Bear in mind, the woman was a PC being played by our new player, and our GM didn't have a reputation for stabbing us in the back.

After our (wizened and bearded) wizard repeatedly Did Not Get the Hint, my ranger brushed past him, released the lady, and apologized for his colleague's senility. ;)

Oh good, it wasn't just us! Our clerics nearly spiked our new player who had the nerve to have been sent back from the dead by his goddess. In their defense, their goddess had a small thing against undead and we'd just spent the last several months declaring holy war on death cultists, so it was probably justified. Or something...

thats awesome
I miss tabletop.

The insanity of RPGs

I have to wonder if this is your group, or another similar one:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html 2050 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG

I understand that another 25 rules are added every week.

Re: The insanity of RPGs


Also, some of those should totally be allowed for everyone else. And How to Serve Dragons is so a cookbook.