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Breaking The GM

Sometimes, it just all comes together in D&D.

When last we left our intrepid adventurers, they were battling through the Walt’s Wasps* hand-lotion factory, to foil the plot of a demon lord who had decided to enslave the world with evil hand lotion.

PALADIN: Seriously? Evil hand lotion? Are you guys sure you don’t want to come back and try again? Maybe something with a little dignity this time?

DEMONS: We know, right?

PALADIN: I am smiting you under protest.

DEMONS: Would you like a pamphlet about our hand lotion?

PALADIN: …This degrades us both.

After dispatching the demons, the party had accidentally split up at the end of last session. (Cue Rooster sitting alone in a room with a portal and his trail rations, playing harmonica, the picture of a sad paladin waiting for the rest of the group.) At last, after a rousing nap, the party went in search of their lost paladin.

RANGER: I want to stay here.

DRUID: There might be more slaad. With tadpoles.

GNOME: They do that impregnate-you-with-tadpole-babies thing!

RANGER: I’m going, I’m going…

On the other side of the portal, they found…a lonely trail ration, and no paladin. Fortunately, they were re-united in the next room.

PALADIN: (dangling thirty feet in the air, in his boxer shorts,** over a vat of molten hand lotion) So, hey, I found the bad guys!

DRUID: (facepalms)

CULTISTS: Death to the infidel! We will boil him alive in our hand lotion of evil!

GNOME: I feel it’s time for diplomacy!

CULTISTS: It is time for hand lotion! And salt scrub!

GNOME: Do you have the salt scrub in lavender?

PALADIN: Don’t mind me…

RANGER: I’m going to shoot something.

A pitched battle ensued! A battle rather more pitched than usual, because all our battle plans mostly involve having a working paladin, not someone who is shouting encouragement from thirty feet up! Our trusty Gnoll fighter can only hold so many enemies at the same time!

GM: And that’s a twenty-six damage and ten ongoing and…whoa.

THIEF: Ow. That’s bad, right?

GM: …you have two hit points.


GNOME: Let me get that healing potion warmed up for you…

Meanwhile, Fizzgig, the paladin’s trusty pet demon, was rooting around through his*** master’s clothes until he finally seized upon—the holy symbol!

PALADIN: Good boy! Good Fizzgig! Somebody give him a chewy horse-hoof!


GNOLL: Hey, a chewy horse-hoof sounds good right now…

Unfortunately Fizzgig is approximately ten inches high, and the paladin was, as previously mentioned, thirty feet up over molten lotion. But he had a plan!

FIZZGIG: (Spits holy symbol onto the druid’s foot.)

DRUID: …what am I supposed to do with this?

FIZZGIG: Grah! Grah-grah-grah–GRAH!

FIZZGIG: (grabs Lawrence the Toad, the Gnome’s familiar.)

LAWRENCE: (does amphibian interpretive dance while Fizzgig beatboxes.)

DRUID: ….what?

GNOME: It was perfectly clear to me.

THIEF: I could swear that all this blood was supposed to be on the inside, not the outside…


DRUID: Oh lord.

TWITTER: This is a very Rube-Goldberg sort of plan.

The druid, in his spare time, is a shape-shifter. He turned into a flying drake, grabbed the holy symbol, landed on the chain from which the paladin was dangling, and very carefully dropped the holy symbol around the paladin’s neck.

PALADIN: (holding holy symbol in his teeth) ‘Ank oo’.

PALADIN’S PLAYER: I have my holy symbol back now, biatch!

DRUID: I do a backflip off the chain and throw lightning at the Big Bad Cultist standing right there, because I am just that badass.

BIG BAD CULTIST: You’re badass? I have taken almost no damage and am about to set you on fire. Also I am a Warforged and thus nearly indestructible. Let me just cast this spell–


Let us pause here for a moment to explain some of the mechanics of being a paladin.

There is a spell.

It is called Knightly Intercession. It means that if you are a paladin and somebody attacks an ally near you, you yell “I don’t think so!” (or presumably something suitably paladinly) and through sheer power of divine badassery, you instantly haul that attacker to a square right next to you. You then take the attack meant for your friend, because this is what paladins do. And then you get to attack them back.

But if you happen, just hypothetically, to be dangling thirty feet in the air over molten hand lotion, then the square next to you…

Well. Sucks to be them, doesn’t it?

PALADIN’S PLAYER:  I have to make an attack, I’m wrapped in chains—so I headbutt him. Then I let him go.

GM: …!


GM: ……..!!

GM: ………………!!!!

PALADIN: Told you it was a brilliant plan.

GM: ….he vanishes into the molten lotion. There is a lot of splooshing. And he’s out of the combat. That’s it for him.

PARTY: (wild cheering)

DRUID’S PLAYER: You could have told me that was your plan! We have instant messaging!

PALADIN:  …I wanted it to be authentic teamwork. It has nothing to do with my inability to find the buttons.

GM: I…you know, there’s only one thing I can do.

GM: (applauds into the mic)

GM: …and now we’re gonna call it for the night, because I got nothin’. Damn. Well-played, you two.




*No relation to any other alliterative lotion company involving hive insects.

**Embroidered with little weasels, of course.

***We’re assuming. Under “gender” his character sheet says “Fizzgig.” This is also his race, class, and primary language.

Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.


That was one of the most badass things I've ever read. XDDD

THIS is why I keep considering the fact I should start playing. Its ALL YOUR FAULT!

The husband's comment involved two things:

1) Why does it always have to be intrepid adventurers?
2) Is there a hose involved?

He was rather disappointed when I told him no on the second one, pointing out that it puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it get... you get the idea.

Oh, we got all those jokes out last week, believe me.

You have no idea how hard I just laughed!

Also, YAY FIZZGIG! Yay the Dark Crystal!

Why have you not yet turned your DnD sessions into a podcast? I would soooo love to listen to that.

Oh, WELL played! My WoW Paladin that I play the most salutes you! With a baby netherdrake on her head.

PALADIN: Seriously? Evil hand lotion? Are you guys sure you don’t want to come back and try again? Maybe something with a little dignity this time?

Hey, the mind-control shampoo almost worked for Dr. Drakken...

I seem to recall it DID work for the Brain! (It's a pity that Pinky gave it to all the critics that were going to review the show he created to fund the shampoo's production...)

These posts have single-handedly made me wanna get into DnD. Because anything with the potential to be this fantastic has to be good. :)

Where you go, I'll follow. *laugh* Nick used to play RPGs all the time, but I've never been interested until I started reading Ursula's. But we don't know anyone else who would be slightly interested in playing with us. (The parents? Bahahahahaha!!!)

You're lucky the GM didn't decide this was the perfect time to have the bad guy absorb the evilness of the molten hand lotion and turn into a very powerful (but ultimately short-lived due to the being-on-fire) monster. };)

. . . from both the perspective of being an RP player AND a GM . . . I salute you!

Creativity is the Spice of Game.

Kinda reminds me of a gaming session where we were in a cave system, being attacked by a bunch of incorporeal undead. They kept hiding in the walls, so we couldn't hit them. The cleric of the party (my wife - gods I love that woman) pulls out one of the off-brand D20 books (EVIL or UNDEAD) and asks the GM a philosophical question ("Would a spell that is considered an act of evil because you are using it on unwilling targets still be evil if used on a willing target?" Answer ended up being a no.. why?") See, Naomi (my wife) had taken a feat chain that not only made it uncomfortable for undead to be near her, but also caused positive energy backlash whenever one tried to attack or drain her. The spell she was asking about was called "Undead Magnet" or "Undead Attractant", I think. The name really says it all. She cast it on herself, and compelled the undead to come out and attack her. Repeatedly. We thus dubbed her the Undead Bug Zapper.

Dayum. If I ever decided to play RPGs again, I'd want it to be with your group. None of the ones I was involved with ever got half that creative!

That is pure comedy adventure GOLD! :D

I want a gaming group that creative!

Dang, I might have to do long distance D&D. It never occurred to me that in this day and age we could, like, skype or something.

...because the last games I was playing with my gang were on MUs in the mid 90s. Oops.

This whole transcript is, of course, vastly entertaining.

I'm now having flashbacks to a long-ago college D&D campaign known as Raiders of the Temple of the Last Crusade, which contained the memorable GM quote, "No, you may NOT put the Ark of the Covenant in a Bag of Holding!"

Also, my girlfriend's character got caught by... gah, what was the vampire's name in that old Ravensloft module back when it was a tiny booklet instead of a major franchise? Anyway, while he was hauling her off -- this was a live face-to-face session -- she spontaneously filked a witty and insulting song mocking him to the tune of Peter S. Beagle's "Debauched and Depraved."

Should have written down. Should. But the internet didn't quite exist yet, at least in our neck of the woods, so we didn't know we'd be wanting to post it somewhere, someday.

Edited at 2012-11-27 07:16 am (UTC)

Hilariously, the plot behind that crappy Catwoman film is evil face makeup... :D

the Tim Burton Batman also has the Joker dealing with evil cosmetics. What a difference a director makes.