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The Madness Is Upon Me

I really need to start a master list of plants I’ve given up on.

It would be much more useful than “plants I’ve killed and will try again” which is a very very long list at this point.

Also, when I make stark declarations in the middle of August that I am DONE this is MADNESS and from now on I will grow nothing but tomatoes and basil in the vegetable garden GODDAMNIT, I really need to write that down and perhaps have it witnessed, because here I am at the end of January wondering if I’ve got room for those dwarf snow peas after all.

And the vegetables are the easy part. When Prairie Nursery and Prairie Moon Nursery send out their catalogs and I find myself going “Why do I not have ramps? Ramps would be a great idea!” and drooling over the blue cohosh (which is a very expensive plant to possibly kill, and I am a bit nervous) I need a clear, laid out plan that says “This goes here. Nothing else will fit.”

Actually, what I need is a sign taped to my computer saying “YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO PUT IT SO PUT THE CATALOG DOWN.” That would cover most eventualities.

I should not be thinking of blue cohosh. I should be thinking vines. I have space for vines. I made space for vines. I’m thinking two Carolina jessamine, then a coral honeysuckle, then two jessamine, then a coral honeysuckle in the full sun area. Might mix it up with American bittersweet in the shadier sections. I do not need wild cucumber. It’s an annual and not edible anyway. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME, CATALOG?

There are so many empty places in the garden. They never warn you that you will live with eyesores for years and years and years, that parts will be gloriously lush and other parts will still be a dead zone under pine trees, that lots are scraped and that stuff isn’t DIRT, it’s subsoil and self-respecting plants won’t grow in that and it’s really not your fault, that your yuccas will grow in the moss and the moss will grow in the yuccas and both will apparently be happy and dear god what is wrong with this picture?

This is the season where I stare at the garden and realize how many things need fixing and how many things I am completely unequipped to fix. I realize what a large garden I have made and how many years it’s going to take to fill it. (All the years. All of them.) I am simultaneously paralyzed by too much space in which hardly anything will grow (that grove of oaks and hickories and all those cedars! Mature trees one might kill for, and I stare at them and wish they were ten feet back on the other side of the fenceline!) and too little space in which nearly anything would grow, having painstakingly hauled manure and topsoil and mulch for multiple years to make it habitable.

I want a cottage garden that overflows with exuberance, and did not realize how often that meant that an exuberant plant would eat its weaker neighbors. I want to grow fascinating vegetables and end up having to glove up and root out the cardoons which were supposed to be annuals, goddamnit, and why did no one mention that they will re-seed like Satan on a bender?

And can I grow artichokes in a whiskey barrel?

And why did I wait so long to discover ferns? Why did no one beat me over the head with ferns until I listened?

And why are there never enough tomato cages? They work great for pea trellises—by the time the peas are dead of heat stroke, the tomatoes are just starting to need cages. Chop the peas at the roots, move the cage three feet, there you go. Except that I need more tomato cages so I can grow more peas.

And why is it only January, when there’s so much gardening to be done?

Originally published at Squash's Garden. You can comment here or there.

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Hey, it may be only January, but we just had upper 50s to record-setting 70 degree temps for nearly a whole week, here in Kansas. With weather like that, who DOESN'T get bitten by the gardening bug?

And then 3 inches of snow last night. >.< PICK ONE.


As for the amount? I WISH. We got maybe an inch of precip. And it all froze solid on the roads, I SWEAR.

And, to top it all off, I'd be my paycheck that the road crews didn't think we'd get anything, so didn't brine, didn't sand, nothing.

This morning's commute was fun, let me tell you.

We got between 3 and 4 inches here, (Great Bend) and it was NOT fun. I had a pretty scary slide trying to make my turn off the highway, and got tailgated by a freaking state trooper. Seriously dude, if you want to do 65 on a snow covered road, be my guest, but get off my ass!

It was kind of surprise snow - I swear, the weather report went from, "Oh maybe precipitation" to "OH GOD SNOW!" in about an hour. The plows I saw working this morning were just scraping the snow off of the lovely layer of ice. Blech.

I hear you. The bridge on the overpass onto the highway by Inman was clear-sanded and salted to a fare-thee-well. The on-ramp that necessitates a 40% left hand turn? Not so much. As in NOT A DARN THING.

I slid around the corner there and nearly thought I was going to go over the side. Which I would have survived, because I'd have just driven straight down it if necessary, rather than roll, but I'd have probably beaten a highway worker about the head and shoulders just because of the damage to my car! I got just enough traction to stay on the road, but I slid about halfway onto the shoulder as I rounded the corner.

I drove around 50 all the way into town on Highway 61 (a diagonal, so direct crosswinds all the way!), and I could feel my car shimmy the entire time. Slowing down to 40 didn't really reduce the shimmy, so I said heck with it & just stuck my foot in and kept up with traffic.

And that was really crappy of that trooper. Usually they're not quite that insane on the road.

It's the same trooper all the freaking time. He's got a patrol route worked out from the community college to the wetlands, and god forbid you slow him down on it.

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