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Hellhound Rescue

Yesterday, in the latest installment of the D&D Party That Means Well, we were in combat with some cultists, some Helmed Horrors, and a hellhound-thingy.

Combat was slightly delayed last week, as the paladin browbeat the Helmed Horror into writing a letter to his mother in case he was killed in battle. (Last line of the letter “Mummy, if you’re reading this, a Weaselite killed me. Avenge my death!” We may scratch that line out.)

We had dispatched most of the foe and gotten down to the hellhound when the paladin began calling for it to surrender, because…well…we just don’t feel right about killing dogs.

(The thief, who is run by a Corgi-lover, backed me up a hundred percent on that one!)

The problem, of course, lies in getting a dog to surrender.

PALADIN: Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog who wants a horse hoof?*


GNOLL: …Ooh! Ooh! Me!

PALADIN: A good dog who sits gets a horse hoof!

GNOLL: I’ll sit! I’ll sit!

GNOME: Don’t sit! We’re still in combat!

HOUND: GRrrrrrRRRRrrrr…

DRUID: You want me to translate? Well, you know the worst thing you’ve ever been called?

PALADIN: Sure. You call me that all the time.

DRUID: …worse than that.

PALADIN: Bad dog!

Clearly we needed to speak the dog’s language! Prove our alpha status! Convince him to surrender in terms he understood!

FIZZGIG: *urinates on dog’s foot to prove dominance*

GM: I…guess….that’ll be an Intimidate roll..

FIZZGIG’S PLAYER: I think he should get the urination for free. He’s really good at that. He’s basically a bladder with teeth.

GM: ….indeed.

Fizzgig flubs the Intimidation roll, possibly because he could not reach any higher than the dog’s foot. Our trusty Gnoll decides to get in on the action.

GNOLL: I’m gonna grapple him and put my teeth on his throat!

DRUID: Can’t we just kill him?

GM: Can’t you just kill him?

PALADIN: We can’t kill a dog! It’s not right!


THIEF: We’ll find a rescue organization that specializes in that.

PALADIN: There are no bad dogs—

THIEF: —only bad cultists!

GM: *whimpers*

The gnoll crits her grapple roll, has the hellhound down and her teeth on his throat, and still flubs the Intimidate roll.



PALADIN: Are you sure you don’t want to be a good dog? There’s a tasty horse hoof for a good doggie!

GM: The dog looks at you like you’re an idiot.

PALADIN: Pfff, I’m used to that.

The thief uses Abashing Stab to try and hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, and misses.

GM: …the dog is still not intimidated.

PALADIN: Fine, I’ll whip it out and pee on him.


GNOME: This is getting a little unsanitary.

PALADIN: We’re establishing dominance. You’re a druid, you should know about this sort of thing!

DRUID: What is this I don’t even…

PALADIN: Wait! I have holy water!

THIEF: Is that what we’re calling it these days?

DRUID: I cannot tweet fast enough for this.

GNOLL: Grrrrr!

PALADIN: If we swear that we won’t keep him for a pet and will give him up to a rescue, will you let us save him?

GM: For god’s sake! It’s Chaotic Evil! It’s a demon hound! It only accepts commands in Abyssal!

PALADIN: Dude, I speak Abyssal. You should have said.

PALADIN: (in Abyssal) Sit!

GM: …oh god, give me a Diplomacy roll, because that actually makes sense.

PALADIN: My 38 says he sits.

GM: …he sits.

PALADIN: (in Abyssal) Who’s a good doggie then?

GM: He looks at you like you’re an idiot. Again.

PALADIN: (in Abyssal) Who’s an evil but obedient doggie, then?

GM: ….you get a tiny tail wag.

PALADIN: (in Abyssal) Who wants a horse hoof for being a good evil doggie?

GM: *clutches head* ….Grrr.

PALADIN: (in Abyssal) Who wants the dripping heart of a cultist for being a good evil doggie?

GM: It’s a definite tail wag this time. I love you all. I mean that…

THIEF: (composes ad) Hellie had a rough start in life, but is looking for his Forever Home. Fence required. Does not get along with cats…



*Fizzgig and our Gnoll fighter both eat dried horse hooves as a snack. It is now our equivalent of a dog treat.

Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.


I am laughing so hard right now.

I laughed so hard my eyes watered.

OMG. Well, I guess my lungs are good and clean now. Shame about that sprained rib.

Oh, I love you guys -- best gamers ever. Good dog; good evil hellhound!

Edited at 2013-02-15 05:32 am (UTC)

There are no words, there really aren't.
Thank you soooo much for the laughs and thank all the holies you aren't in my game group. Between you and Bear, I'd laugh myself to death.

This is the funniest gaming related thing I have read in a long time!

I'm pretty sure you have just saved my co-workers and our idiot customers from an untimely demise... I'm too busy laughing, now.

Your GM is a saint, and that's hysterical. I hope you find a rescue shelter for him! (Though I greatly suspect your party now has a pet and your GM is going to get migraines.)

Rescue shelter for the hellhound or the GM?

Your GM needs extra sanity points.
Buy the poor person a cheeseburger!

I have delayed commenting for... 20 minutes now. Because I can't BREATHE.

All the Gods Everywhere Agree: FRAKKING. AWESOME.

Double ditto this - this scene is AWESOME!!

I would pay cash money to sit in on this game. Reading about it is the next best thing. Your poor GM.

*laughing and crying at the same time here* BRILLIANT!!!

Love it!

Not sure that my son's D&D group is quite as surreal as yours, but they're creating a musical D&D web series: http://www.pozible.com/index.php/archive/index/13804

(Hope you don't mind me posting this; feel free to delete if it's not OK)

The Hound will not become a pet but with enough horse hooves maybe the Paladin can have it as a familiar (whatever the Paladin-equivalent is) so that it is now a member of the party?

Oh, and how do we get in on the Druid's tweets? This sort of thing MUST be shared!

Paladins get warhorses, IIRC. At least they used to.