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Riddick 3: You Are Not Manly Enough To Read This Review Of This Very Manly Movie

Statement of bias: I freaking love Riddick.

Seriously, I have watched Chronicles of Riddick more times than I can count, made Kevin also watch it, and the phrase “You shoulda taken the money, Toombs,” is permanently embedded in our relationship’s vocabulary. I was very sad they didn’t make the whole trilogy, and excited for Riddick 3.

It was a very manly movie.

Vin Diesel was manly. Also briefly naked. Manly naked. In silhouette.

Manly silhouette.

For approximately eighty percent of you, there is no further need to read more.

For the rest of you who have not clicked away to buy tickets RIGHT NOW….

Well, it’s not Chronicles. It’s somewhat more erratic. At times you are conscious of watching a bad movie (a very manly bad movie) but there are a few parts that are downright brilliant (the scene with the storage locker is hysterically well done) and also it’s a Riddick movie and thus a lot of badass fun with quite good CGI aliens ala Pitch Black and also if you are me and/or Otter, there are parts of this movie more or less designed to pander specifically to you. Had they harvested all my information off the internet and dedicate about twenty minutes of screen time to exactly what Ursula Adriane Vernon of North Carolina, Mac user, 36 and self-employed, wants out of a Riddick movie, they could not have hit it more precisely.

It is rather gory, in the nasty visceral I-can-feel-that way, not just in the buckets-of-blood-squirty way. Also, alien dog-analogs die. If these are a dealbreaker, stay home. You will be sad. Wait until the clip of Manly Naked Riddick hits YouTube and make some hot chocolate. Then watch it while drinking hot chocolate. You could probably follow with the “It’s Raining Men” clip cut to 300. That would be excellent.

It is also manly.

Very manly.

Manliness occurs.

Riddick does manly things while climbing very manly rocks on a manly planet. Merely watching the screen caused Kevin to grow extra chest hair. (I mean, he already has plenty, so you couldn’t tell, but I could hear it growing.) I believe I ovulated twice, although I was also becoming more manly, so it got complicated and there is a slim chance I have accidentally impregnated myself. But believe me, everyone is very manly. The female lead is also manly, although this is no reflection on her or the movie. I believe it was caused by the planet.

The very manly planet.

There is at least one scene where they went “Those speeders in Return of the Jedi? Not metal enough.”

How manly was it?

You remember those 1950′s pulp magazines called, like, “MAN’S DIGEST” which had a cover of some shirtless guy punching a jaguar in the face with a snake? Manly like that. Replace “shirtless guy” with “shirtless Vin Diesel” and “jaguar” with “alien scorpion snapping turtle” and you’ve about got it.

Also for some reason one of the mercenaries is a dead ringer for J. Grant of Two Lumps, only about a foot bigger in every direction. This caused some mental consternation. Not that I couldn’t see J. as a space mercenary, I just didn’t expect him to be so tall.

The only thing I didn’t enjoy thoroughly (other than the alien dog analog thing) was that as usual, every female character in the series would like to have sex with Riddick. This is not really unrealistic, I grant you, but Riddick teeters on the squishy edge of Mary Sue anyway, and I do roll my eyes a bit. (ETA: It's more annoying than usual in this one for Reasons, although they DO do a couple things really right with the character, so mixed bag of Great/Awful.) (The only one of these flirtations I found hot was in Pitch Black. It’s not the manliness, actually. It’s the scene at the end where he’s all “Come on. It’s okay, you did your best, let’s go…” I kinda needed to sit down and fan myself for a bit after that one. Shame she’s eaten by aliens five minutes later.)

(No, I don’t know why, out of movie after movie with Vin Diesel’s torso, that’s the one that killed me. Eh, go figure. She was also the only female character I really empathized with in the whole lot.)

(Empathized in a manly way, obviously.)

(A very manly way.)

(Super manly empathy.)

(I have the sudden urge to hug someone from the side so that our genitals stay a respectable distance apart, and then perhaps discuss the Infield Fly Rule with someone. In a manly fashion.)



MANLY.


Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.


I am probably going to regret seeing this, but I love Katee Sackhoff enough that I'll watch some really terrible movies.

I'm in the same boat. Here's hoping the "female Expendables" movie turns out to be awesome.

Do bad guys kill the dog? Is this how we know they are Truly Assholes? It's cool, you can tell me.

It's not really how we know they're Truly Assholes. We know that without a doubt by the time we get to that scene. It's more so we know exactly why Riddick is going to make somebody dead in spectacularly creative ways.

But since that's kind of what Riddick does anyway that's not even a spoiler. :)

Edited at 2013-09-07 12:23 pm (UTC)

Re: MANLY MAN'S LIFE

SIN HAPPY VACATIONISTS ARE OVERRUNNING CAPE COD!

So basically this review is "VIN DIESEL IS HOT AND THIS MOVIE DIDN'T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE ENOUGH TO DISTRACT ME FROM THAT"?

SPOILERS BE HERE (little spoilers)

I am gay, and the trope of lesbian-who-is-only-a-lesbian-until-she-meets-a-REAL-MAN is my singularly most hated thing in the world. I think it is both problematic and hugely damaging as far as perception and acceptance of actual trufax lesbians (like myself!) is concerned. So when I realized that was where they were going with Dahl (that's her name right?) I was very put off and taken out of the movie for about five minutes...

Until I remembered that I have said, SO many times, when trying to explain to the uninitiated my undying love for Riddick/Vin Diesel, "even lesbians love Vin Diesel! He's AMAZIIIING."

Ahhhhh hoisted on my own petard.

Honestly, that annoyed me too. I would actually have been happier if she'd gone "Nope. Still don't fuck guys," as they were hoisted into the sunset.

But that's part and parcel of my Riddick-Sue problem, and they did some substantial things RIGHT with her, like not doing the tired old rape-rescue scene we were all expecting.

I AM THEIR TARGET MARKET.

*ahem*

Yes, will be buying tickets directly. Thank you.

Epic review is epic. Thank you, Ursula! :)

Most definitely did see this today. In IMAX. So briefly naked Vin Diesel was even better. And very manly, yes.

LOVED the scene with the locker. Absolute brilliance.</p>

I do love Pitch Black more than Chronicles, so I wasn't too disappointed that they abandoned that storyline.

SPOILERIFIC AHEAD

Wouldn't Johns' dad have been hovering somewhere in his 60s by the time this happened though? I mean, there are some supremely fit men out there in their 60s, but I'm not sure I'm sold on fit enough to be battling aliens and taking on Riddick kind of fit at that age. Probably looking into it wayyy too much at that point though.


I used to be acquainted with Ugo Serrano, the guy that designed/made a bunch of the armor for Chronicles.

I used to politely ask to hear more stories about how cool Vin Diesel is IRL OuO

(Deleted comment)
There's a also a really good 300 vid to Vogue.

OH GOD YES this was exactly my impression of the movie. There were literally moments where I thought to myself "this scene is at maximum manliness". It even started with a manly monologue--you could tell how carefully it was crafted for maximum manliness, with key words like "animal," and then naked happened. His alien-dog-ownership was manly (they took an extremely manly man and made him love animals. MEN, IF YOU NEEDED PROOF THAT THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR THE LADIES AND NOT YOU, THIS WAS IT). The planet couldn't even have a regular moon, it had a neverending explosion moon, which Riddick was too cool to look back at.

About the ONLY thing that bothered me was the implied heroine-wanting-to-do-him at the end, because, kind of offensive, really. Although, they leave it open--we don't know if she was just yanking his chain and sassing him. But...still.

Nevertheless, it was totally Pitch Black again except the aliens had a different theme and the planet was manlier. And I'm okay with this.

The planet couldn't even have a regular moon, it had a neverending explosion moon, which Riddick was too cool to look back at.

This caused me to laugh so hard it concerned my 3 year old. :)

things this made me think of: a certain old spice commercial

“Hello, ladies.

Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me.

Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped prancing about your boring old planet and switched to The Very Manly Planet, he could smell like he’s me.

Look down, back up, where are you?

You’re on a manly rock with the man your man could smell like.

What’s in your hand, back at me.

I have it, it’s an manly oyster with two tickets to that thing you love.

Look again, the tickets are now diamonds.

Anything is possible when your man smells like The Very Manly Planet and not a lady. I’m on an alien.”

Re: things this made me think of: a certain old spice commercial

Love love love

This me swooning. In a very manly fashion. Don't judge.

Also: the fact that your initials are UAV tickles me inordinately. (but manly)
Note: I have never witnessed you acting like a drone in any way. (not even manly)

All of a sudden I want donuts.

MANLEY DONUTS.




(It's a local place.)

I thoroughly enjoyed everything up until the last 5 mins when Dahl's character must have suffered head trauma when we weren't looking to have a personality turn about THAT drastic. Serious annoyance, especially because, honestly, I can't see how it could have been anything other than the so-manly-I-turned-her-straight bullshit. :( I would pay big big money for a director's cut if it included an extra 5 seconds in that scene where she finishes that sentence with '...will you show me how to do that trick with the knife?'

But a lot of stuff about Riddick has made a lot more sense when I found out that he was rolled up originally as a tabletop character, and has actually become Vin's favourite. Almost the entirety of that movie could very definitely have been a 1 player tabletop game that was nearly entirely player validation/character fanservice. Especially if both GM and player were very set on being MANLY MEN.

I like the theory that it's actually sarcasm and she's making a crack about the earlier straddling line (and what's he gonna do at that point, wheeze erotically from his collapsed lung on her?)

Mind you, I like this because it removed my primary objection and they should have makes it clearer if that's what they were going for.

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