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The List

So I go in today at 2:25 for a doctor's exam.

I melted down a bit last night. Today I am sort of grimly cheerful. Kevin is going with me, because...well...if it's bad, it's better to have someone there.

My mother called to warn me that they will probably send me for a mammogram and there is no point in trying to divine the future from their every word or expression because they will scare the crap out of you largely by accident.

I made a list. Lists are good, right?

Best-Case Scenario: "It's a cyst. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Call if it gets painful."

Even Better Best-Case Scenario: "It's a cyst. It's a textbook example of a cyst. Cysts don't get any more cyst-like than this. Nurse! Come check out how totally non-cancerous this cyst is!"

Slightly Less Best But Still Pretty Good Case Scenario: "It's a cyst. We're gonna drain it. Say hello to Mr. Pointy!"

Likely Scenario: (Noncommittal noises.) "It's probably a cyst, but let's send you for a mammogram/ultrasound to be sure."

Bad Scenario 1: "Oh dear. Let's send you for a mammogram/ultrasound right this minute."

Really Bad Scenario 1: Bad Scenario 1 + "Your double mastectomy is scheduled for Thursday."

Bad Scenario 2: "You know, I have no idea what this is. Let's send you for a mammogram/ultrasound right this minute."

Really Bad Scenario 2: Bad Scenario 2 + "Spell your name for the medical text books."

Scenario I Am Half-Expecting: "What lump? I can't find a lump."

Scenario I Am Half-Expecting 2: "You know you've had that for the last five years, right? Did you not notice before?"

Given My Luck Scenario: "You've got boob-clams."

My money is on Likely Scenario, followed soon by Best-Case Scenario.

Well, you do have lawn crustaceans so boob clams isn't, I suppose, out of all realms of possibility.

Wishing you luck and all the best news you can get.

If you have boob-clams I think you will have to spell your name for the medical text books.

I suspect that even if it is a textbook example of a non-cancerous cyst they will still send you for a mammogram, just to be sure.

Yes, agreed. Mammogram or that fancy high-res ultrasound if they have it, or maybe both. But if they aren't sending you straight over right now, things probably are good. Fingers crossed - and let's skip the boob clams, too.

Most likely is the Likely Scenario. Even if the doc is convinced that it is a cyst you'll get sent for a mammogram or ultrasound to rule out anything else. They do take bewb lumps seriously indeed.

I will hope for the scenario you are half expecting 1 and if not then i hope you have boob clams. they clear up easy with a symbiotic star fish unlike crotch barnacles which require hours of painful scraping.

but you know you have to expect these kinds of things when your grandmother was a deep one

Crotch barnacles can also lead to belly button limpets which, while not carrying the stigma that crotch barnacles do, are equally embarrassing and difficult to get rid of.

Like other folk have said, even if it is SUPER DUPER BEST CASE SCENARIO textbook cyst, they will most probably still send you for a scan/mammogram and possibly a needle biopsy.

As my consultant cheerfully said "It's almost certainly nothing, but I've never met a lump I haven't poked with a needle!" Bless him.

I ... kind of want your doctor, omg. He sounds great.


Well, boob-clams would necessitate a shell bra, I suppose...

Best of luck to you!


how about the more rarer boob-barnacles?

Of course the boob-clams thing would be followed by "Did you not know about boob-clams? They are everywhere in the South. My bus driver's cousin's neighbor got some just last month."

I'm sorry not to have commented earlier. LJ wouldn't let me stay logged in. I've been through this as least twice - first when I accidentally found a lump about the size of a grape!

My boobs are ... generously ... large... and it wasn't that easy to find (until I knew I had it. Once I did know I could feel it - or thought I could - every time I moved my arm. That was not a happy wait...)

That turned out to be an enclosed abscess; I've no idea how it happened but it left rapidly with antibiotics.

The second time, (different doctor) it was actually in the nipple. It hurt like (insert expletive of choice!) the pain had woken me, I went straight to GP - and then had to put up a real fight to get antibiotics. I was convinced it was an infection because it was spreading so fast and so painfully. She wasn't.

That also went away with antibiotic treatment but there were also full tests carried out - all clear. (Later I think someone said it might have mastitus or allergy!)

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

LMAO boob clams. "You have boob oysters, and it's time to harvest the pearl".

Wishing you all the best today.

I hope you get the Best-Case Scenario.

One of the things I love about your entries is you truly do write the way many of us think, and I completely identify with your list.

And if you've good boob-clams, yeah, better get that pearl outta there.