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The Pamphlet And The Sword

So here the party is, slaying their way through the dungeon, wandering through a maze, and we come across a cultist.

ROOSTER: Convert or die, and I'm really in a hurry, so let's make that decision quick, okay? Three...two...one...
CULTIST: Convert! Convert! (loudly, obviously trying to raise the alarm) Oh look, a paladin of the Weasel is asking me to convert...
ROOSTER: Right, let's try that again. In your indoor voice, convert or die?
CULTIST: Um...convert?
ROOSTER: Okay. Here's a pamphlet. We're a little busy right now, so we're just gonna tie you up and--
CULTIST: The voices in my head say you have to beat me within an inch of my life.

The entire party recoils as one.

DRUID: Um....
ROOSTER: This isn't a weird sexual thing, is it? I mean, if you just want it to look like you put up a fight when your friends find you, I respect that, but...
THIEF: Let me stab him with the Dagger of Inappropriate Pleasure!
ROOSTER: Stop calling it that! It's a Great Hunger weapon! It's just...weird otherwise. Sounds like a dildo or something. And no stabbing. He's agreed to convert. Sort of. Here, drink this holy water to prove you've converted.
CULTIST (chugs holy water)
ROOSTER: That's enough. Don't bogart the holy water, dude.
CULTIST: The frog people tell me you must beat me...

The party inches a little farther away.

DRUID: I think he's got one of those Slaad tadpole things in him!*
RANGER: Use Lawrence!

(Lawrence is the Gnome's familiar, a very serious toad who communicates through interpretive dance.)

LAWRENCE: (wants no part of this.)
ROOSTER: Lawrence, when they ask you if you're a god, what do you say?
LAWRENCE (sighs, makes mystic passes through the air.)
CULTIST: No, that's just a normal frog.
LAWRENCE (is deeply offended, as he is a toad and also not normal.)
ROOSTER: He's...err...an avatar. Of the frog-god. Pocket sized for...um...easy media mailing...
CULTIST: The frogs are speaking to me!

DRUID: It's a Slaad tadpole! Rooster! Do an exorcism!
DRUID: You remember when we were infected with Slaad babies? That cleansing rite they did at the temple?!
ROOSTER: Oh no! I'm not doing that! I'm not qualified! You have to be OSHA certified! There are classes!
DRUID: So make something up! Channel the Weasel! Do an exorcism!
ROOSTER: I've got a sword. I could kill him. That's like exorcism.

GM: Really, it's a simple faith...

DRUID: I was thinking of something more humane!
ROOSTER: It's very humane! I'm a fucking surgeon with this broadsword!**
DRUID: Something else!
ROOSTER: ....I've got salt? Frogs hate salt.
DRUID: I was thinking of a holy ritual!
ROOSTER: It's holy salt?

*sounds of GM howling from downstairs have grown progressively louder*

*eventually GM gets self under control*

CULTIST: The frogs...the voice of the frog...it's growing...
ROOSTER: Um. Where's the frog located, exactly?
CULTIST: My heart...and my head...and my soul...
ROOSTER: That was unhelpful.

Eventually the druid convinces Rooster to try and perform a ritual, which corresponds to absolutely no power Rooster actually possesses.

ROOSTER: Um. Okay. I'll try, but nobody tell the clerics I did this. I'm a paladin, not a cleric. They get very annoyed. It's a union thing.

Some mystic chalk circles and chants of "The power of Weasel compels you!" later...

CULTIST: Harder! The frog must come out!
ROOSTER: I just feel really weird about this. I'm a killing priest, not a ritual priest. It's different.
DRUID: You can bless your weapon, why can't you bless him?
ROOSTER'S PLAYER: FINE! I pick up the cultist and wield him! Then I cast Bless Weapon!

There is a pause while the party absorbs this.

ROOSTER'S PLAYER: Didn't expect that, did you?
DRUID'S PLAYER: I...that's not...what is the cultist doing right now?
ROOSTER'S PLAYTER:  +1 radiant damage. More on a crit.

Astonishingly, the druid manages to turn a "cleanse parasites" spell into a de-Slaad-ification, mostly, I think, because the GM felt we had earned it by then. A tadpole came out of the cultist's nose and Rooster stepped on it. We left him tied up and went to go fight Vecna and rescue an elderly runepriest named Ancient Gil, which was, after all, why we had come.

GM: You walk into the room. The runepriest is tied to the wall and there's a sixteen foot tall Aspect of Vecna standing next to him.

ROOSTER: Ancient Gil! We've come to rescue you! And as for you...Can I interest you in a pamphlet?

And that was where we cut for the night.

*Evil frog people who impregnate you with mystic tadpoles. Very unpleasant.

**Rooster's player has a real problem with movie references.


*cackles so much*

Thank you.

I can only picture the Druid's "I WILL PERFORM THE RITUAL MYSELF" being followed by a onomatopoeia-text-balloon of "Grumpy Druidic Chanting".

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Wossname, the god Jame almost kills and then resurrects in God Stalk (including the head priest's method of travel in ... Seeker's Mask, if memory serves) could do, mayhap?

I love your D&D reports.

Don't forget the impromptu shoutout to Sofawolf press.

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There aren't enough Like buttons for this.


Wielding the Cultist like a weapon... XD Man I'd want to play DnD a lot more than I already do if my friends held sessions even a fraction as interactive and fun as yours seem to be. GM torment is a delicious thing.

Also, a little random and maybe you won't see this or you've already seen this, but feel like you'd be interested in the wares at a "Miss Monster" on 'myshopify' to which I would link you but your filters say it's spam if I include a link. Which I understand. :)

It's cool! Mel's a friend--her work is so awesome!

"The power of the Weasle compels you!" As a ferret owner minion I approve of this highly. And someday, I just may have to cosplay as a Priestess of the Silver Weasle Cult. I could totally do that. Uh-- dare I ask what they wear? **feeling of foreboding**

Wasn't something like that covered in one of Othar Tryggvassen's adventures?

Reading this made my sad, sneezy, drippy, slightly feverish self once again glad to be alive!

(Reading your stories of D&D always make me want to start up running it again, even though I am not the best. I enjoy messing with the DM, but with D&D it is sometimes so satisfying to BE the DM and figure out how to deal with the madness)

What's scary is that your games make our games sound almost normal. (Putting on Mindflayer heads to fool their minions. Don't ask)

*giggling helplessly*

You should seriously raise money for charity sometime by SELLING TICKETS TO YOUR GAMES. My whole family agrees that they'd buy in, just to WATCH ;)


i would totally buy tickets to one of these games.

(and then i'd be really annoyed because i live on the opposite side of the country).

That's beautiful. We played D&D on Saturday and a member of our party got changed from male to female by a Wand of Wonder, so I got to use the "vas deferens between a man and a woman" line. I was very, very happy. Next week I will suggest that once-a-man-now-a-woman's period should start while they are transformed.

I have such thoughts because I am a very bad person, but I do have a lot of fun.

I got to use the "vas deferens between a man and a woman" line.

(Lawrence is the Gnome's familiar, a very serious toad who communicates through interpretive dance.)

Okay, I'm going to tell you a story about something I did when Wolfie was in the hospital, and I want you to laugh, because it was funny, and he would thought it was hilarious. (People sometimes get weird when you tell stories about someone's final illness.)

So no shit, there we were, at Mass General in the Medical ICU (as opposed to Trauma ICU), and they give you these posters to fill out about the patient: preferred nickname, languages, likes and dislikes, family, and preferred communication methods. That last... they meant oral or written, and I filled it out accordingly.

And then I got bored, and wrote underneath, "But feel free to try interpretive dance." I so wish he'd seen that. He would have asked me to try it. I'm pretty sure my dance would have had a variety of hand gestures. Because I am srs bear, and interpretive dance is srs biznezz.

It would be AWESOME to see the nurses doing Very Serious Modern Dance around a bedside.


Thank you for sharing :-)))

Our party has a teacup-sized divine-aspected jumping spider familiar who does interpretive dance/ouijja board! Except some seriously Epic Shit just went down and now he won't do anything but stare fixedly at the mountain where his gods live O_O

DRUID'S PLAYER: I...that's not...what is the cultist doing right now?
ROOSTER'S PLAYTER: +1 radiant damage. More on a crit.

*makes tiny, helpless, high-pitched noises for a minute or two*

I snorted my coffee at that point too. Hilarious!