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ursulav

The Single Most Horrifying Text I Have Ever Received In My Entire Life

Author's Note: Told with permission. Nay, with encouragement. And it probably needs a trigger warning for horrible...medical...um...good god, I don't even know.

So I have been having the week that will not die. Kevin had food poisoning, then I put him on a plane, then I had mega food poisoning, then I laid around for a day or two recuperating and by the time I could stay upright without lunging for the bathroom, Brandon the border collie was ill and I had to maneuver an elderly 75lb dog with bad hips into a car, a feat made (just barely) possible by all that mulch I throw around, and then I got home with Brandon and maneuvered him into the house to discover that the beagle had a limp, which meant I spent all day at the vet today.*

But this pales. Pales, I say! In comparison to what happened some days ago.

I received a text from my mother.

It said---I have it before me now---

"Still blizzards and extreme windchill and today my uterus fell out."

No, go back and re-read it.

I did.

Several times.

It is worth noting that this tells you a lot about my mother, and also about the weather in Upper Peninsula Michigan, which is so dire that it gets mentioned first. (Or maybe that's just my mother. The windchill would need to be measured in Kelvin before I mentioned that first.)

My reply was...well...honestly, I gotta say, there's only so many things you can say to this statement.

ME: WHAT
MOM: Also have been walking around with another infection for months
ME: GO BACK TO THE UTERUS
MOM: Yep. It's still attached, but now I know what it looks like.
ME: ...please tell me you're messing with me and this is not a thing that happens.
MOM: Went to the doctor who was somewhat shocked. Says I need surgery.
ME: OH SWEET JESUS
ME: Get the surgery! I will pay for it! Oh god!
MOM: It does actually happen. If you google it  you will be totally grossed out.**
ME: Excuse me, I have to go get a total hysterectomy right now.

Mom informed me that she was going to pick up my kid brother, and suddenly a thought occurred to me. It was a bad thought. It was a bad thought that became what is, possibly, the most unfortunate string of words I have ever had to type together in one place.

ME: MOM WHERE IS YOUR UTERUS NOW
ME: OH GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT PHRASE OH GOD OH GOD

MOM: I shoved it back in. It seems to be staying put for now.
MOM: It's really much more inconvenient than painful.

There is another gap here, where I seem to recall wandering the kitchen making mewling noises like a baby raccoon that has fallen out of a tree and then perhaps been forced to read the collected works of the Nihilist philosophers

Eventually I rallied.

ME: I really want to be supportive right now, but I also need to drink until I do not remember this conversation, so I am conflicted.
MOM: Haha

At this point, I sought the comfort of several female friends, who largely reacted by going into the shower and sobbing and scrubbing themselves with steel wool, but my buddy Otter looked it up for me in between rocking and sobbing and determined that yes, this is actually a thing that happens.

(I am so sorry, readers, to inform you of this. Truly. But also glad that I am not suffering this knowledge alone.)

It is also--har har--hereditary.

Childbirth is the major contributing factor, thankfully, so I am probably in the clear. (Otter suggests I also avoid coughing for the rest of my natural life, and probably sneezing if I can help it.)

MOM: Also, if you are of Northern European descent, that makes it more likely.
ME: Excuse me while my cervix builds a moat and puts bars on the windows.

And then...

MOM: Thank you for making me laugh! Although I don't want to laugh too hard...
ME: AAAAAAAAUUUUGH
MOM: Nooo, too much laughing NOOOOO!
MOM: Plop
ME: Go watch Dr. Zhivago or something! Don't laugh!
ME: AAAUGH OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
MOM: Just kidding. Well, about that bit, not about the rest of it.

Yes, dear reader, that bit was my mother trolling me. Very successfully, might I add.

Anyway. If you don't want to google "uterine prolapse" (and Jesus, why would you?) it happens. It just sort of...falls forward and outward. There are a couple of methods of fixing it, most involving hysterectomy and a few involving silicone inserts. My mother goes in for surgery when her insurance okays things.

She is also in no pain, thinks it's funny--now--and adds that uteruses are astonishingly small. And was happy to have me blog about it. So. Um. Picture the "More You Know" rainbow going behind this post.

It's been a rough week, I won't lie, but this is arguably the single most wildly bizarre thing in it.

2015. Off to a helluva start. For everybody in the family.


*Official diagnosis: The beagle was so upset that Brandon got to ride in the car and he didn't that he tore around having hysterics, popped his patella out, and then popped it back in. He got his car ride, and also a nail trim and painkillers. Brandon got lots and lots of painkillers. I? Did not get painkillers. I got Pepto-Bismol. The universe is deeply flawed.

**She is not lying.

You are having some week. May it get better from here on out.

Whelp, I Googled it. Why. What is wrong with me.

Prolapsed uterus happened to a friend of mine, and it is indeed terrifying and painful and horrific.

When the self-driving cars become available, maybe you could get one for the dogs.

ETA: Also, check on the painkillers, you may be able to er borrow some from the dogs? Just a thought.

ETA2: Am I the only one who spent a few seconds trying to figure out what "uterus" was the spelling correction version of?

Edited at 2015-01-16 03:50 am (UTC)

When the self-driving cars become available, maybe you could get one for the dogs.

On that note...

Am I the only one who spent a few seconds trying to figure out what "uterus" was the spelling correction version of?

That possibility didn't even occur to me. This is, after all, Ursula's family.

Ok, I giggled hysterically (yes, I went there) until I cried. While simultaneously saying "OH GOD AUGH".

So... thanks for the nightmares?

Edited at 2015-01-16 03:52 am (UTC)

Prolapsed uterus, right? How many kids do you have to have before your uterus falls out?

Am I a bad person for even thinking that?

(I didn't Google it; I don't use Google or shop at WholeMart™.)

One. My friend has one child, and it happened afterward.

So... when I read things like this (ok, *almost* like this) from a writer I say to myself "gotta remember this one to see if it appears in one of their fictions. But with this one..... I really don't want to remember!


(And I know I'll never forget it)

I knew that prolapses were a thing in large animals on account of reading James Herriott. I didn't realize it happened in humans as well. Thanks for that. Glad your mother is doing well under the circumstances. Hope everyone in your family recovers quickly and completely.

Edited at 2015-01-16 03:59 am (UTC)

Well, it seems reasonable that prolapses would be a thing in humans too - after all, gravity works definitely against us on that front.
I've been warned it's not even necessary to have had kids for the muscle failure to happen: any combination of weak muscles, weight and laxening tissue con cause it.
As a farmer (who lifts heavy things), I'll see a gynecologist about this by fall. Happy happy joy joy


I very much hope this doesn't happen to you.

That text may win the "burying the lede" prize for 2015.

Also, cattitude said "I don't even have one, and that makes it hurt."

I'm glad your mother was relatively unfazed by all of this. And may your week get MUCH better!

The first thing this brought to mind was a scene from one of James Herriot's books where, IIRC, a cow has a prolapsed uterus and he uses sugar to help push it back in.
The things that one can recall decades later *sigh*

Hope all goes well for your mother.

Shakatany



On the one hand, using sugar around the uterus seems like a recipe for a yeast infection. On the other hand, surgery coming up. On the third hand, the yeast infection risk would almost certainly stick around (since the uterus "lips" are the cervix and, aheh, the usual site of yeast infections would remain even if the uterus went away) and the antibiotics that would likely be used would also be a yeast infection risk and I don't think one wants to add itching on top of major surgery.

...in my uneducated, amateur opinion, I would forego sugar in the area unless one had no other options. -_-

(Deleted comment)
Congratulations, you have caused two generations of women in this family (myself and my daughter) to laugh and wail in horror at the same time (I read the entry and was saying OH GOD OH GOD, she said "What is it?", I said "URSULA.")

There was an amusing time-delay on the wailing, as she read parts out loud (and made appropriate reactive noises) after I'd finished the post.

Count us in as people who ALSO were made aware of uterine prolapse by James Herriot, but who were blessedly unaware of the possibilities for humans until relatively recently. (We, unfortunately, both have a connective-tissue disorder . . . which increases our risk. Auuuughhhh!)

-- A <3

*facepalm* Also, hope you -- and your family, human and canine -- are doing much better soon. And good luck to your Mom on her surgery -- the first week of recovery is pretty rough, but if she follows the doctor's instructions to the letter, she's likely to make a very good recovery.

I will *highly* recommend that she pick up an abdominal binder appropriate to her measurements (she'll likely get one in the hospital, but the hospital one was a lot more flimsy and was "one size"), because it makes the recovery a LOT easier, by taking the weight off the incisions and helping to hold everything in place.

(I also recommend either buying some long cotton tank tops or pregnancy cotton/spandex Belly Bands to wear next to the skin, under the binder -- keeps the elastic from being directly on the surgical wounds, and is also much easier to wash. Belly Bands are most versatile, IMO -- there are a number of brand names to choose from.)

Best of luck to all of you!

-- A (who is very grateful to no longer be a host to the Hateful Uteroid, which caused me a lot of misery . . . but at least had the decency not to FALL OUT while it was in residence!)

I read this with horrified fascination. Thank you?

(Hope your Mom's situation gets resolved rapidly & without complications)

Protip: the total hysterectomy, while removing the possibility of uterine prolapse, instead ups the risk of "fallen bladder", where your bladder tries to fall out through your vagina instead.

I know this because of MY mother.

Remember kiddies, kegels are your friend because those muscles are the only damn thing keeping your insides IN.

I was just going to add that warning, but with my mom it was about 15 years before the bladder prolapse, and can be helped by a sling.
also, tell her to ask about a robotic hysterectomy. I was back at my office desk in ten days even though I made DH drive me til I hit the two week mark. Only had six small port incisions that were glued shut.
also I've seen prolapses when farrowing pigs. Uteri are much larger in post natal mode.
In addition, when you are young and older women tell you not to lift heavy things or you'll be sorry some day - this is the part they don't tell you about.
that may also be related to the North European peasant heritage combined with a history of do-it-yourself well, come to think of it.
I just made DH listen to this before he headed off to bed. It exhausted him.



Edited at 2015-01-16 05:09 am (UTC)

This is what I get for being in a medicine-related profession. I already knew all this. I get at least one report dealing with some kind of prolapse daily (albeit seldom this extreme).

Not that it diminished the humor of your retelling, of course.

This is so fantastic and I have now read large portions of it aloud to delighted horror and giggles.