UrsulaV (ursulav) wrote,
UrsulaV
ursulav

D&D: The Thing With The Dragons

So our latest D&D adventure has us being tested by Rooster the paladin's god, the Silver Weasel, to see if we are tough enough to go on his quest for...whatever the hell it is.

Each test is individually tailored. This one was for our thief, Ceri.

We found ourselves on a ledge in a vast cavern full of lava. There was a keyhole in the wall and a rope overhead. The rope was only tangible to our thief, Ceri.

Now, obviously Ceri was supposed to go on the rope to god knows what by herself, but no. The party does not play that. Our druid used his Polymorph spell, turning the party into hummingbirds, and we rode to adventure clinging to Ceri's hat.

The rope led to a chamber of ridiculous riches, with writing on the wall saying "TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED."

Ceri has something of an impulse control problem when it comes to shiny things. We remained hummingbirds. This led to the intriguing scenario of Ceri hanging from the ceiling by her wall-walking boots while we clung to her earlobes.

CERI: Awww! I have hummingbird earrings!
GNOLL WARRIOR: I don't wanna be an accessory...

CERI: But I NEED the shiny things! All of them!
PALADIN: I ride on her ear and stab her with my beak.
DRUID: I ride on her other ear and do the same.
CERI: Fine, I'm going, quit beaking me!

We searched the room. Sort of.

GM: It's a bin full of jeweled vegetables.
GNOME: Cabbages!
GM: Not...just...cabbages.
PALADIN: Okay, what vegetable does the key most resemble?
GM: I...what....uh...starfruit, I guess?

We continued searching the room.

GM: You have found the key. The key of all keys! The key that will open any lock!
PARTY: 'Kay.
GM: The Fabio of keys.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF PARTY: ...ew.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: Like...old and sort of gross?
GM: The Eighties Fabio of keys. Any lock would open for this key.
FEMALE MEMBERS OF PARTY: ...no. We don't know what locks see in this key.
GM: The Alan Rickman of keys.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: Well, I'm on board.
GM: The Vin Diesel of keys?
PALADIN'S PLAYER: Awww yeah.
RANGER'S PLAYER: This is the first one you've said that worked for me.

Eventually we found the correct key, our thief shimmied back across the rope, used the key, the lava receded, and there were two volcanic dragons and a two-headed giant. They were displeased with our presence.

CERI: We're being tested by the Weasel!
DRAGON: The Weasel who keeps sending people here? Did you touch our stuff?!
CERI: No! Well...brushed up against it...maybe...

PALADIN: Hey, do you know the elder brass dragon that lives under our castle?
DRAGON: Are you implying that all dragons must know each other?!
PALADIN: ...no, that's why I asked.
DRAGON: No.
PALADIN: How about a blue dragon with an army of giants and kobolds and stuff?
DRAGON: Oh, the one obsessed with shoes.
DRAGONBORN RANGER: *is glad she's a hummingbird and no one can see her feet*
DRAGON: Yeah, he's a cautionary tale.
PALADIN: Hi! We're the caution!

Some largely unfruitful discussion ensues, and then...

PALADIN: I use diplomacy!
PALADIN: *rolls a 37*
DRAGON: *is unimpressed*
PALADIN'S PLAYER: No! That was a 37. I demand you roll against i!
GM: ....
PALADIN'S PLAYER: I AM ONE SEXY HALF-ELF!
PALADIN'S PLAYER: IN FACT, I ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE THE DRAGON!
DRUID'S PLAYER: To Twitter!
GM: ...wut
PALADIN'S PLAYER: You heard me.
GM: ....
DRAGONBORN RANGER: Wouldn't...I mean...even if you succeed...I mean...how...
PALADIN'S PLAYER: They're cloacal mammals! Reptiles! Thingies! It'll be fine!
DRAGONBORN RANGER: What if they're not into that?
PALADIN'S PLAYER: Did I mention that I rolled a 37!?
GM: Seven years we've had this campaign, and this is the first time this has happened. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long.

PALADIN's PLAYER: Well?
GM: I...ah...the dragons are astonished.
GM: They are gazing at you with astonishment.
PALADIN: I go up and run my finger up one's chest scales and say "So, you come here often?"
GM: ....
PARTY: ....
PALADIN: IT WAS A 37!
GM: I'm just...I'm seeing Rooster leaning on the dragon and..I...I...
PALADIN: Look, if you need to fade to black, it's okay.
GM: No. No, the dragon is looking at you with pity. Like...err...someone much younger...
DRAGONBORN RANGER: Like if a high school kid hit on you!
PALADIN'S PLAYER: With a Charisma of 20!?
GM: The dragon is holding you at arm's length and saying "It's...uh...look, you're very nice, but..."
PALADIN: *bursts into tears*
PALADIN: *sob* Why can't I find someone who wants to cuddle? I...I feel like I have a lot to offer...
PARTY: *horrified hummingbirds*
GM: ...
PALADIN: *gestures to party behind back* Get to the door!
PARTY: Well, we're hummingbirds, we just buzz to the door...
CERI: I sneak to the door!
PALADIN: I just...I'm such a loser...
DRAGON: Okay, now you're negging yourself. This is not going to lead to pity sex.
PALADIN: No...no, you're a good person...It's not like that...*sob*

GM: There's like a bunch of locks on the door.
CERI: *rolls a 20* You were saying?

GM: The dragon is trying to disentangle itself.
PALADIN: *eases past dragon* I...thanks...I'm sorry...just...err...don't tell anyone, okay?
DRAGON: No, no...god, no!
DRAGON 2: I'm telling EVERYONE.
PALADIN: *sob* It's...it's what I deserve...

GM: Well, the door's almost open. Roll Diplomacy one more time--
PALADIN'S PLAYER: *rolls a 1*
EVERYONE: *stares at the 1*
PALADIN'S PLAYER: ...oh, crap. Well, I read CreepyPMs...there's only one thing they ever say on a total seduction botch...
PALADIN: Eh, you were fat anyway.*
DRAGON: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
PARTY: *cringe*
PALADIN: Go, go, everbody go, just get through the door!
DRAGONBORN RANGER: I will salvage the situation.
DRAGONBORN RANGER: Honey! Honey, are you--
PALADIN: ...
DRAGONBORN RANGER: OH MY GOD YOU WERE HITTING ON ANOTHER DRAGON WEREN'T YOU!?
PALADIN: ...
GM: ...
DRAGON: ....
DRAGON 2: *gets out popcorn*
DRAGONBORN RANGER: This is the third time this month! My mother warned me about men like you!
PALADIN: I...uh...uh...no, honey! I thought she was you! You...err....look identical...?
DRAGON: ...
GM: ...
DRAGONBORN RANGER: *grabs paladin by the ear* You're coming with me! *marches toward door* I don't know why I put up with you!
GM: They're not quite buying it. If Rooster plays along...
PALADIN: I...um...I have a sex addiction! To dragons! I'm seeing a therapist!
DRAGONBORN RANGER: Oh, yeah, sure! That's what you always say!
GM: The dragons are staring at you. This is some General Hospital shit right here.
PARTY: But are they trying to stop us?
GM: No. They're horrified and cannot look away. I mean, they know you're hamming it up, but they just want this to end.
GNOME: We've never won a battle through sheer awkward before.
DRAGONBORN RANGER: Is the door open yet?
CERI: Oh, the door's been open for ages. I just didn't want to interrupt.
PALADIN: *blows a kiss to dragons on the doorstep*
DOOR: *slams*
GM: ....
GM: .......
PARTY: ......
PARTY: ..........
DRAGONBORN RANGER: NEVER make me do that again.
PALADIN: Look, did we have to fight the dragon? No, we did not!
GM: So, you were supposed to get 8500 XP, but I'm rounding up to an even 10,000 for sheer....for...yeah....

GM: ...I expected that battle to last for three weeks.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: I regret nothing.





*It's a subforum on Reddit, mostly for dating apps gone horribly awry, and I'm sad to report that this is, in fact, true.
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