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breeden
ursulav

The Case Of The Demonic...Assets

So there we were, in full nerd-core D&D mode, when the party burst into a room where a horrible dark ritual was being conducted, including the obligatory scantily clad maiden dangling over a pit of ice, about to be sacrificed in order to bring about hell on earth, general badness, screaming and flaming death, etc. 

MAIDEN: Save me!
PALADIN: We'll save you! 
DRUID: Uhm, Rooster, are we sure she's on the up and up?
GM: As far as you can tell, she's a normal damsel in distress.

After several moments of intense cogitation, Rooster the paladin dredged up memories of late-night studying sessions in little paladin's school, and came to a conclusion.

PALADIN: And I mean this in the most detached, scientific way possible, but are her nipples....err...it's cold...You know....?
REST OF PARTY: ....
GM: ...I...what....?
PALADIN:  'Cos if she's human and dangling over a pit of ice, they're gonna be all pointy, but demons don't have working nipples. They don't lactate! They're not really mammals! They lay eggs. Sorta like echidnas...well, I mean, the succubuseses do, but that's different. They use them for other stuff. Not like echidnas. Er. 
REST OF PARTY: ....
PALADIN: It's SCIENCE!
GNOME: What kind of school did you go to?!

Kevin (the GM) gazed out a dark window for a few minutes. He was already having a rough session, as we had refused to ring the obvious magic gong to open the door, opting instead to make an illusory gong sound (nobody makes us ring gongs against our will!) and there had been the lengthy discussion of whether Fizgig can break a magic circle by pooping on it during combat. 

GM: ...They're pointy. 
PALADIN: We'll save you!

A few minutes later, the ostensible maiden mind-controlled our gnome. Her familiar, Lawrence the toad, began immediately to panic.

GNOME: Or as we call it in our party, interpretive dance! 

While Lawrence danced frantically to express that Something Was Wrong, Rooster was forced to confront his own disillusion.

PALADIN: I can't believe the nipples lied.
RANGER (with surprising venom): THE NIPPLES ALWAYS LIE! 
PALADIN (meekly): Mine don't. I have Lawful Good nipples. 
DRUID'S PLAYER: Dear god, I cannot Tweet fast enough. 

PALADIN'S PLAYER: Can I roll a religions check to see why the nipple check failed?
GM: Do it.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: 28.
GM: She's a succubus. They're the only species of demon that understand nipples.
PALADIN'S PLAYER: ...fair enough. 

So I am forced to give Kevin credit for actually thinking through the undeniable logic of demon-nipples. You learn to appreciate that in a GM. Really. 

...I still think Fizgig should be able to break a magic circle by pooping on it, though.