September 7th, 2013

breeden

Riddick 3: You Are Not Manly Enough To Read This Review Of This Very Manly Movie

Statement of bias: I freaking love Riddick.

Seriously, I have watched Chronicles of Riddick more times than I can count, made Kevin also watch it, and the phrase “You shoulda taken the money, Toombs,” is permanently embedded in our relationship’s vocabulary. I was very sad they didn’t make the whole trilogy, and excited for Riddick 3.

It was a very manly movie.

Vin Diesel was manly. Also briefly naked. Manly naked. In silhouette.

Manly silhouette.

For approximately eighty percent of you, there is no further need to read more.

For the rest of you who have not clicked away to buy tickets RIGHT NOW….

Well, it’s not Chronicles. It’s somewhat more erratic. At times you are conscious of watching a bad movie (a very manly bad movie) but there are a few parts that are downright brilliant (the scene with the storage locker is hysterically well done) and also it’s a Riddick movie and thus a lot of badass fun with quite good CGI aliens ala Pitch Black and also if you are me and/or Otter, there are parts of this movie more or less designed to pander specifically to you. Had they harvested all my information off the internet and dedicate about twenty minutes of screen time to exactly what Ursula Adriane Vernon of North Carolina, Mac user, 36 and self-employed, wants out of a Riddick movie, they could not have hit it more precisely.

It is rather gory, in the nasty visceral I-can-feel-that way, not just in the buckets-of-blood-squirty way. Also, alien dog-analogs die. If these are a dealbreaker, stay home. You will be sad. Wait until the clip of Manly Naked Riddick hits YouTube and make some hot chocolate. Then watch it while drinking hot chocolate. You could probably follow with the “It’s Raining Men” clip cut to 300. That would be excellent.

It is also manly.

Very manly.

Manliness occurs.

Riddick does manly things while climbing very manly rocks on a manly planet. Merely watching the screen caused Kevin to grow extra chest hair. (I mean, he already has plenty, so you couldn’t tell, but I could hear it growing.) I believe I ovulated twice, although I was also becoming more manly, so it got complicated and there is a slim chance I have accidentally impregnated myself. But believe me, everyone is very manly. The female lead is also manly, although this is no reflection on her or the movie. I believe it was caused by the planet.

The very manly planet.

There is at least one scene where they went “Those speeders in Return of the Jedi? Not metal enough.”

How manly was it?

You remember those 1950′s pulp magazines called, like, “MAN’S DIGEST” which had a cover of some shirtless guy punching a jaguar in the face with a snake? Manly like that. Replace “shirtless guy” with “shirtless Vin Diesel” and “jaguar” with “alien scorpion snapping turtle” and you’ve about got it.

Also for some reason one of the mercenaries is a dead ringer for J. Grant of Two Lumps, only about a foot bigger in every direction. This caused some mental consternation. Not that I couldn’t see J. as a space mercenary, I just didn’t expect him to be so tall.

The only thing I didn’t enjoy thoroughly (other than the alien dog analog thing) was that as usual, every female character in the series would like to have sex with Riddick. This is not really unrealistic, I grant you, but Riddick teeters on the squishy edge of Mary Sue anyway, and I do roll my eyes a bit. (ETA: It's more annoying than usual in this one for Reasons, although they DO do a couple things really right with the character, so mixed bag of Great/Awful.) (The only one of these flirtations I found hot was in Pitch Black. It’s not the manliness, actually. It’s the scene at the end where he’s all “Come on. It’s okay, you did your best, let’s go…” I kinda needed to sit down and fan myself for a bit after that one. Shame she’s eaten by aliens five minutes later.)

(No, I don’t know why, out of movie after movie with Vin Diesel’s torso, that’s the one that killed me. Eh, go figure. She was also the only female character I really empathized with in the whole lot.)

(Empathized in a manly way, obviously.)

(A very manly way.)

(Super manly empathy.)

(I have the sudden urge to hug someone from the side so that our genitals stay a respectable distance apart, and then perhaps discuss the Infield Fly Rule with someone. In a manly fashion.)



MANLY.


Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.

breeden

And as a follow-up to Manlyfest 2013…

I started thinking about it, and now must offer the following:

How To Survive A Riddick Movie If You Are Not Actually Riddick

1. Be young.

2. Be intensely religious.

2a. But not a weird Goth religion.

3. Be Karl Urban.

4. Under no circumstances appear in the sequel.

4a. Unless you are still Karl Urban

5. If you are neither young, religious, nor Karl Urban, your best shot is to try for noble antagonist, which will give you at least a 60% shot, although one of those was Karl Urban, so it may be more like 30%.

5a. For a Riddick movie, 30% is still better odds than you’ll get anywhere else.

6. Sexy is a crap-shoot.* Best survival odds in this case are attained by being sexy somewhere in the vicinity of Karl Urban.

7. Do not be Furian.

7a. No, really. This is just a bad idea.

8. Do not taunt Happy Fun Riddick. If Happy Fun Riddick has explained he’s going to kill you, try turning your gun on yourself at once. Obviously you’ll still be dead, but the look on his face may be worth it.

9. If you wish to survive, have good teeth. Poor dental hygiene is a death warrant. Should you find yourself in the vicinity of Riddick, reach immediately for a toothbrush.

10. Under no circumstances should you allow Riddick to become in any way fond of you. This guarantees that you will sacrifice yourself nobly AND get a protracted bleeding-out scene.

10a. Fortunately, Riddick only becomes attached to other creatures off-camera. If you suspect that you are between movies or trapped in a lengthy time-passing montage, RUN.

11. Take the money.

12. If you are a mercenary, but not young, religious, or Karl Urban, you are almost certainly going to die. However, if you can start making wisecracks, you will live marginally longer, unless they are the sort of wisecracks that are a set-up for your hilarious death, in which case you just haven’t been paying attention at all. This will also work in any horror movies you happen to find yourself in. You will still die but you may have time to set your affairs in order first.

13. Space doesn’t kill people, alien planets kill people. (Also Necromongers, mercenaries, and Riddick. Also Karl Urban.) If you are in space, you are probably safe. Until you land on the planet.

14. Do not go to an uncivilized alien planet with Riddick. If you suspect Riddick is on the planet, find pressing business elsewhere before you land. If you find that, despite these precautions, Riddick is on the same planet you are, it’s already too late. The planet will try to kill you shortly.

14a. There are no herbivores in the Riddick-verse. Herbivores are not sufficiently manly. This works because apparently there are no plants in the Riddick-verse either. Plants are definitely not manly.

14b. It occurs to me, given that there are no plants, that everybody’s got to be seriously constipated, which explains a few things about the Necromongers.

15. If you are a Bad Person and shoot women, children, puppies, priests, captive populaces, etc, you are going to die. Always. Probably hilariously.

14a. Interestingly enough, though, you will not die until fairly late in the movie. This means that if the wisecracking mercenary slot is already filled, you may have a better survival chance by immediately gunning down all priests and/or puppies in the immediate vicinity, as you are guaranteed to survive until the last third or so of the movie. We leave what to do with this information to your own moral compass.

 

(Feel free to add your own in the comments.)

 

*Depending on what the director’s cut of Riddick 3 reveals, being either a lesbian or bisexual woman may up your survival odds considerably. We do not have enough data to speculate at this time.

Originally published at Tea with the Squash God. You can comment here or there.