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ursulav

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So. Um. Huh.

Well.

This is not an entry I particularly wanted to write, but since it'd be weird if I didn't--I record so many details of my life, and it'd be pretty obvious eventually if I was leaving it out--it looks like James and I are splitting.

Yeah, kinda sucks.

We're doing a trial seperation first. It's all very amicable and almost desperately congenial, nobody's really at fault, but, well....we had a bunch of good years, we got each other's careers started, and I've got no regrets. Still, we're both obsessive workaholics, and after awhile we just grew apart. We're great partners on the practical stuff, but eventually that's not gonna keep stuff going. So we'll take a few months, get the finances worked out, and I'll find a place of my own and...guess we'll see where life takes us after that. I'm not sure if I can make a living on my own on art and writing, but I'll give it a damn good try, and more than that, one cannot expect from life.

I'm alternating between calm and wrecked, as one might expect. Still, I'm taking it pretty well. The nice thing about the axe falling is that you're not worrying about whether the axe is going to fall.

So...well, there we are.

Funny the way life goes, sometimes. But as Grandma used to say--"This, too, shall pass."


I had to read that twice before I believed it. I kept looking for the "Just kidding!"

I am so sorry to hear that.

My thoughts are with you. *hugs if you want them*

I'll make extra effort to scrounge some money and buy prints soon.

Ursula -- there's nothing I can say that hasn't been said. Still, for what it is worth....


I'm very sorry, but I'm also very hopeful. Whatever you and James do, whether together or separately, you two will find equilibrium and happiness. Of this I am confident.

All my thoughts and all the best.

Chiming in (as is everyone else) to offer my sympathies, and to agree that this seemed to come out of left field... you two always seemed so happy. (Well, from your entries, at least.)

I wonder how this will affect your creativity... since your art is about the only art I can imagine on the walls of my apartment, I'm being selfish here. :)

I'm a bit late, but I hope everything works out for the best.

Also, if you ever want to give Northern Canada a try I have a spare room in my trailer. And the job market is booming in my town right now.

(You might have to deal with a blizzard or two though, mother nature is really jerking us around up here right now).

Ursula, I am so sorry.

*offers virtual truffles*

243 comments in I have nothing new to say, but have to say something because what kind of person would I be if I didn't? So ... just, you know, hang in there. Yes, this too shall pass, but in the meanwhile you need to keep yourself together. If there's something a stranger 3000 miles away can do, let me know.

I have *not* read all the responses to your post so I may be busy flogging a deceased equine, however...

You mention this is a trial separation. You also don't sound real happy about it. If you feel that the two of you still care about each other, respect each other, are friends (and/or, perhaps, still love each other on some level), talk to James about the possibility of couples counselling.

Pretty much no one stays madly in love their entire relationships. Frequently, there are phases when couples deal more as roommates than anything else. However, if they care about each other (and there are no outside interests) and aren't committed to the Hollywood ideal of constant fireworks, thay can spend a lifetime together enjoying the times they fall in love and comfortable in the times when life gets between them and they've misplaced the rockets and sparkles.

Obviously, you both have to be interested in making it work and you'd both have to work at it. I have no idea if that reflects your current situation or not. Just sayin'...

(And, no, I don't think divorce is a sin or anything. Just that people tend to get married too quickly these days and divorced even more quickly. (Yes, I realize this isn't your particular circumstance.) Life ain't a bodice ripper 24/7 but the media seems to feed the belief that if that's not what we're dealing with, it's time to move on.)

(And, yes, I do have an agenda here. It's my own personal baggage from a husband (ex as of two weeks ago) who said "always and forever" and that he didn't "believe" in divorce and all the rest 4 years ago. Then, in 2005 and early last year, he spent 10 months posting on LJ about how over me he was. We'd been in couples counselling for four months when I found out, by accident, that he considered himself done. After he tried to "evict" me, I finally filed for divorce. Now, I'm dealing with moving and all the rest and (since, as much as I dislike the boy he devolved into, I still love the man I married) dealing with the financial, physical, emotional and mental fallout. Don't enjoy it. Sure don't wish it on anyone else. So, yeah. Baggage and an agenda.)

Take it for what it's worth. But, in any case, I wish you well however it turns out. And, remember, whatever you hear, from whomever (including me), it's your life and YMMV.

*hugs*


Despite the fact that you already have 12123751023 comments (or 248, but who's counting?), I will add my own own to the mix.

Any kind of splitting up is never good, or happy, or easy, or anything positive, but it is better to be this way. It's good that you don't have anything particularly hurtful that has come between you two, just a gradual shifting apart. It sounds like you and James will be able to remain good friends (a promise that broken all too often). This is not as hard as it could be. But it's still hard.
My deepest condolences, and I wish you the best of luck. :]

~DL

I am so sorry to hear it. Hang in there. Your Grandma is right, even if it is tough to hear. *hugs*

I am actually a person who believes that there really are no truely mutual breakups/divorces. My reason for thinking this is the it always seems that there is one person who still cares more then the other, but to spair themselves the "drama" they go along with it. Or they go along with it on the point that "maybe we can still be friends" or "Who knows what the future holds"

HOWEVER...I would LOVE to be proven wrong on this and I really do hope that what you're going through IS mutual. Because if it's not then feelings are just going to fester. I agree with Glittercat's veiws on the fact that people call it a quits too soon now a days...Don't know if that's how it is in this case...I hope not.

I haven't checked LJ friends in a while, so forgive me for being late in responding. I'll just add in with everyone about how much it sucks, but in the end you just have to work through it & move on. You & James seemed to be a wonderful match, but obviously there's only so much of one's life that can be recorded in a LJ. I hope you two at least keep in touch and can rekindle a friendship in all of this. ::hug:: Best wishes to you and the kitties.

An opinion on marriage from one not quite worthy to give one

I think what marriage really is about is about sticking together no matter what. If you can't, you weren't married to begin with. It's not about whether it works, because frankly, nothing on this planet works, or is easy, or makes sense, or truly functions as it was supposed to, in the end. Just look at the human body. Relationships are the same way.

I say this not having been married myself but having watched my parents for the past twenty some years. They've been together almost thirty years. They love each other, sometimes it's stormy, it never really worked to begin with. But--there they are, they're together, because they're married and they love each other. They'll never find someone else it'll work better with, they each know that, becauses they're quirky people. And they love each other. So why not stick it out?

In the end, it never works. It only works barely well enough to stick it out. The logic is, you were miserable the first twenty years of it so why not stick it out. If you really love each other, it's worth it.

No two people on this planet fit together like glue. And I hope I'm not lecturing because I don't mean to sound like it though I'm a preachy 21 year old.

So kudos to you for dating your own husband. I have a sense that if you guys love each other, and you stick it out, it'll work.

At least as good as it could with any other person you love whole heartedly.