UrsulaV (ursulav) wrote,
UrsulaV
ursulav

My thanks to everyone who's posted.

I really don't think I can do this. I appreciate that I need to give it more of a chance--believe me, I do! I know!--but I don't think I have too much more in me.  It's not a case of being stronger than I know. I know exactly how strong I am, and...well...that was it, right there. This was just...too much. I'm breaking. I can't handle this much change so soon. Maybe in a year or six months, I would have been okay, but right now...it's like I can hear the support beams in my soul starting to groan.

This is actually worse than my divorce ever was. I panicked a bit then, but this...well, like I said, Waterloo. I have been routed. Time to make a strategic retreat, I think. It's not the Bay Area inherently, I hasten to add, it's just...too much.

I've moved a lot in my life, often across the country. I have the skills to do it. I am nothing if not cheerfully adaptable. But all those skills just...failed. It's the weirdest thing. I feel like I sat down at a painting and suddenly didn't know how to hold a brush.

I feel like an idiot to have come this far, but if I hadn't, I'd have spent my life kicking myself for not going.  I don't know what I could have done differently, really.  At least I know I'm not a coward. (An idiot, yes, but at least a respectably brave idiot!)

I've never retreated from anything in my life. I suppose sooner or later I had to learn.
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