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Still alive here.

The meds still have me feeling faint more or less all the time, and I'm still not hungry, and pretty queasy in the mornings. Other than that, though, I feel fairly normal--no weird detachment, no sense of the flu. No movement on the depression front, but I've still got another two weeks before it's really supposed to kick in. The Effexor dosage doubles next week.  I'm hoping that won't kick me back into the flu-like symptoms.

It's been up and down--Thursday night was pretty bad, with personal crazymaking. Not even the anti-anxiety drugs make much of a dent when the insecurities really get flowing. Last night was pretty okay, though. For a brief weird stretch on the edge of waking, I felt strangely cheerful, while simultaneously having the weight of the depression heavy on my chest. It was a deeply odd experience. I wish it had lasted longer--being cheerful and miserable beats the heck outta being miserable alone!--but hey, at least that's some improvement, however bizarre and temporary.

Today is fairly neutral--got some work done, at least, which is a good thing. My publisher called me up Friday to say that whoops, miscalculation, they need the cover art for Nurk Monday night, or at least a rough color version of it, so that they can print the catalog. I can do it--I could have done the final cover if they REALLY needed it--speedy covers were the one thing I had serious chops in. So that's a little over half done, and well on schedule to being done.

This is a hard stretch, all things considered. No immediate improvements are gonna be forthcoming, and you know it.  All you can do is wait and hope. You've whined everything there is to whine, and you're starting to repeat yourself. You just put your head down and try to get things done and hope tomorrow is better, or at least, no worse.

Next week I'm gonna go looking for an apartment--I think having my own place again will help. I'm hoping for an October first move in--hopefully it's not too late. That'll also correspond to the three week point on my drugs, so hopefully I'll be doin' pretty good by then.

Until then...err...keepin' the faith.*

*You know, for a atheistic-with-fondness-for-Ganesh-but-nominally-Catholic-for-the-weekend value of faith.


Mix some honey with a glass of wine and make sure not to ask anybody for a blessing, and you should have your various faiths covered. :)

Good luck on the apartment hunt. I am gleefully awaiting a shipment of your soap from Ellen, along with the Orange t-shirt. I want to wear that to my first day of work in a couple of weeks, and see what my new coworkers think. Mwuhahaha.

Just stick close to your friends. In those darker moments, go out and vandalize other people's cars and that way everyone will be in a foul mood. It's not a perfect solution, but uhm... don't do anything to my car.

Oh, and hit coffee shops, drink up, and try to be in public now and again. It's good to get out and just be somewhere.

Oh, and hit coffee shops, drink up, and try to be in public now and again. It's good to get out and just be somewhere.

This has always made my life better when I'm having trouble with depression/anxiety.

I don't think an Oct. 1 move-in is unreasonable. That's what my boyfriend and I are searching for this week, too, and the market is a lot tighter here in Seattle where the school quarter begins at the end of September. Just keep combing Craigslist and call everything that might even be possibly acceptable and you'll find something. And no basement apartments for the depressed!

I have decided that I am Diagnostic.

Coming to Greensboro tomorrow?

Alas! My car usage is limited by my host's need, and so I have no method of getting there...

ANd I be a Maverick Christian.

May the Statue of Ganesh (not-actually-Ganesh-but-the-Statue-Since-He-Seems-Like-a-Nice-Guy) look down upon you fondly.

Failing that, may Ben purr very... er... severely at any Ninjas that attempt to stalk you.

-Royce, a Varn Dominitarian

*hugs* I was just thinking "Haven't seen an Ursula post in a while, hope it's because she's busy in a good way."

You and a good friend of mine are both going through these things where you know intellectually what's going on, and you're being intelligent and responsible and treating the problems, and still stuck with the miserable feelings. I'm very glad to see that you're making progress even when it doesn't feel that way.

Would that knowing why you feel a certain way allowed you to opt out of it! Alas...

*big french hugs*

(which are just hugs from France, and not hugs with the tongue, unless you want them to be that)

Also I just entered the three volumes of Digger into the french "BDGest" database... I don't know if it's really useful, but it maight get you some new readers, who knows ?


Vakratunda Mahaakaaya Suryakotee Sama Prabha
Nirvighnam kuru mey Deva
Sarva kaaryeshu Sarvadaa

May Ganesh remove all your obstacles!

Y'know hon, everyone has their own tale to tell about their anti-depressant and SSRI experiences, and I'm sure by now you've just about heard them all. I just want to say, from the perspective of having been off-and-on a great many of them over the last 15 years, that there is no point whatsoever in being told/searching out things like possible side effects and length of time for expected full potency results.

Knowing the possible side effects of any drug pretty much guarantees that you will experience each and every one of them. And putting a deadline date on efficacy means 1. that you won't feel any better before that date, and 2. that you sure as hell will expect to feel a damn sight better ON that date.

The first really successful SSRI I was prescribed was the ol' original, Prozac. After taking it for an unknown number of days, I came home from work one night to find 3 separate extremely messy and frustrating situations awaiting me, involvings pets, plumbing, and insects. I had dealt with them, one after the other, in order of priority, made a cup of tea, sat down with it in the living room to read my book, and suddenly thought, "Damn. That stuff WORKS."

Best wishes and good thoughts to you.


What Wiselady say!

Coming out of the gloom seems to sneak up on you in my experience. You think you feel the same, but realise you are coping again, rather to your surprise.

May it be soon!

Ganesh commands you to smite your enemies!

I mean um...feel better.

Hah. Yeah, I know that kind of faith. The message is that says "I'm trying to be a good person and do the best I can, and I keep telling myself that the world isn't a totally bad place and everything'll be all right sooner or later."
I won't try to tell you what you need to try or do. I'm sure you've done everything you can think of. Just know you've got some total strangers who find you worth supporting and we're rooting for you. You're a cool person, but even more higher up on the scale, you're a good person.
I can't think of many higher praises than that.

At the darkest point

When I have been depressed beyond the point of the head-spinning circular whirl of hopeless thoughts and into the catatonia that comes afterwards, the best thing that happened was somebody took me out into the light, literally. I couldn't cope with more than walking half way around the block, but being outside and in the sunshine kicked my serotonin and meds into gear. It wasn't much, but it helped. A lot.
Just a thought.

Barbara S.

Re: At the darkest point

Yes. 20 minutes of sunshine a day is a recommended daily allowance.

This sounds so very like my own bout with depression about two years ago, minus the antidepressants. I did make myself feel ill, though: couldn't eat, feeling faint but yet having the heavy weight in my chest, anxious... My hair even started falling out. It's so great that you have sought help for this - I was too proud, and I know that was a major factor in prolonging my bad spell. I've read your blog everyday for years and followed your artistic progression, so please know I am thinking of you and rooting for you! <3

Having deadlines always helps.

...and oh, I'm a Deist/Jeffersonian Utopist, and if you don't think Jeffersonian Utopist is a faith, you haven't read Jefferson. Man had incredible faith that humanity is generally going to do the right thing. Ha.

So, one of the things I wonder when I read these posts is "So, where is Ben?"

Cats are wonderful anti-depressants. Hope you have yours on hand.