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breeden
ursulav

Because one can of worms is never enough!

Okay, gang, I'm off to spend an evening canoodling with my significant other, and will not be on the internet.

Please be civilized to each other in the prior post, I beg of you, while I'm not here to bounce. This is one topic where emotions run really high, and I don't want to have to close threads because I think it's an important topic to discuss, and we're all basically on the same side. If the conversation DOES get ugly, it's okay to say "I don't see anything productive coming out of this," and step away.

It's okay to be pissed. Just be polite.

However, before I go, for the purposes of discussion, one thing I've run across in this discussion (and other posts related) that I hardly ever run across is fear vocalized on the part of men that they'll be accused of rape or sexual harassment when they're just tryin' to get lucky as best they can.

Now, my kneejerk reaction is to scoff a bit, I confess--that's a kneejerk, and I make no bones about it--because, well, being female, my fear is that some dude is gonna rape me, then carve me up like a christmas ham in the basement and wear my skin around like a little hat. This is the sort of thing I worry about. My kneejerk, therefore, is something like "Pfff! You think YOU have problems?"

And that may well be unfair. Hell, granted that fear is not a zero-sum game, it's definitely unfair. Everybody has a right to be scared of ill treatment.

But--thing is--every single woman I know, with no exception I can think of, knows somebody who has been sexually assaulted or abused. In fact, with VERY few exceptions, that person is either somebody close to her, or her own self. These aren't stories, this is...y'know...something that we basically just live with. Life sucks, lots of people get hurt, we brazen on through because the only alternative is to curl into fetal position and weep for humanity.

However. It occurs to me that I may be doing men a disservice in general by dismissing this fear just because it seems like women get so much more of the short end of the stick. Suffering, too, is not a zero-sum game. So. I'll ask two questions then:

A) If male, are you afraid of being falsely accused of rape? Is this a Major Fear--i.e. something you worry about every time you're trying to get to know a woman? (Hell, is this something you worry about if you're, say, alone in a parking garage with a female in the next aisle getting into her car?)

B) If either gender, do you personally know anybody who has been falsely accused of rape? (Not friend-of-a-friend stories, but you, yourself, are at least the level of on-line acquaintanceship with them.)

(Okay, two and a half.)

Somebody'll probably suspect that this is a snarky passive-aggressive way to get men to admit that this is a load. It's not. Honestly. I'm genuinely curious. For all I know, a staggering percentage of men really do go into a relationship in mortal terror that they're going to end up with their testicles in a vise. I KNOW what it's like to be female, but I've never yet been male (at least not in this life!) and I honestly don't know what my own response to the discovery that this might genuinely be a widespread problem would be. 


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I've never in my life worried about being falsely accused of rape, except on a totally academic level while in crim law class. The only example I can think of where someone I know was falsely accused of rape was when a dude had sex with a girl, and she later informed him that she was too high to consent, and anyway he was a terrible lay.

I do want to note that almost every time I've seen a protracted discussion on the topic of false accusations of rape, I've seen someone say something to the effect of "if I stopped when my woman said no, she'd kick me out of bed." So those people would, I imagine, have a well-grounded fear of false accusations of rape if it weren't for the fact that they know they always satisfy "their woman."

I hope that all those relationships, where "no" doesn't actually mean "no," have a proper safeword established. (Seriously. "No" may mean "don't you dare stop" in the context of a scene, but sometimes you really need a word for "AUGH MY FOOT GET THE CUFF OFF IT NOW!" or "I have a migraine. Touch Me And Suffer.")

what is more disturbing to me are the non-S&M relationships where the woman may say no, but the guy just badgers her until she gives in, because that's easier, or whatever.

I'm tryin' to be charitable here. Otherwise I want a baseball bat. O:(

heh. I know the feeling. I'm right there with you with the blunt object rage.

I should point out, by the way, that the reason I classify that as a "false accusation of rape" is that she later said that she was just saying that to piss him off.

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