You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have -
- one weapon.
- one song blasting on the speakers.
- one famous person to fight alongside you.
1. The previously discussed HK Scarab Launcher, which would fire a high-powered stream of voracious genetically modified* carrion beetles, wearing teeny little crash helmets with my corporate logo on them.
But if I am forced into the real world, I'll take a katana. I mean, I don't know how to use anything else, and chainsaws are HEAVY. (Hey, did they ever make lightsabers that can be used like a katana?)
2. I believe Rob Zombie is the only possible choice here. Although if I'm making an epic last stand, zombie bites covering my forearms, attempting to take down as many of the foe as possible before I turn the scarabs on myself, I would like to request a little Tool.
3. My first thought here was the good Doctor, because he's a pacifist, and would probably find a way out that involved as little zombie killing as possible, which is good, because I'm a wuss and while I might, with luck, dispatch one, maybe two zombies, I would then ideally like a few hours to sit down, catch my breath, freak out, and make an amusing blog entry about it.. ("Day #743: Still in the Tardis. Saved universe. Fought zombies. Listened to heroic speech. Microwave still busted.") But y'know, the chicks with the Doctor for one-shot episodes tend not to fare all that well.
So I'm goin' with Spock. ("SPOCK?!" you say, "Why Spock?" (If there is a merciful god, no member of my readership is going "Who's Spock?")) Easy! He's a Vulcan, so he's uber-strong, uber-smart, and having copper-based blood, may well be immune to zombiedom. He's willing to kick ass, assuming it is logical to do so. He might possibly come with the mother of all air-strikes. I like pointed ears. He won't freak out under pressure. Unlike Klingons, who admittedly kick a little more ass, he won't forget that not getting bitten is kind of important and will tend to limit the heroic last stands, plus there's a chance that, using only the tools available in the mall's Radio Shack, he could construct some kind of Anti-Zombie Beam. Unlike Kirk, he won't grab your ass during combat. Sure, there are better fighters and better mad scientists, but you rarely find so many useful talents in one place. (Magneto, maybe. Batman. Gandalf, sure, but that's just getting silly.)
...and now that I've dated myself badly, I'm off to tell the kids to get off my lawn.
*Yes, yes, the genetic modification to cross them with piranha so they can eat zombie flesh at high speed may someday come back to haunt the good people of Red Wombat Guns & Ammo Development. How do you think we're gettin' a sequel to this flick, huh?